FanPost

Mr. President, We Must Not Allow An Androgynous Gap!

Bryan Ashlock's piece today on Giovani Dos Santos' probable departure got me thinking: What happens to his hairband once he's gone?  Gio's put in a shift and played the "soccer mom look-a-like" part with gusto. He OWNS that look. And since bringing in a like-for-like replacement with Ronaldinho is highly doubtful (who wants to start a bidding war with Blackburn, after all?), Spurs will need to start looking internally if they're to fill that all-important androgynous position and keep pace with the top six.

A breakdown of our competition after the jump.

Perhaps anticipating the move, Manchester City did well to bring in Samir Nasri this summer, a man once described by Who Ate All The Pies as "a cheerful French lesbian in her mid-forties."  Seriously, how do you compete with that? Yet another example of how City can just buy the best of whatever they need. Of course, Mancini has a touch of feminine flair in him as well, and I tell you what, those scarves look fantastic.

Despite Nasri's departure, Arsenal still look deep with Bacary Sagna and Tomas Rosicky on the books. No surprise there, though; Arsene has an eye for this sort of stuff. Just look at his latest acquisition, Gervinho. The guy already has full-blown female pattern baldness and he's only 24. Well played, Ar-Sene.

Chelsea survived losing Florent Malouda's bouncing braids to haircut this summer with a strong showing from newcomer David Luiz, who'll have to hold the line until Fernando Torres can grow out his goldilocks again. Still plenty of time for El Nino to find his old form, though.

Manchester United (*ahem*) skirt by on the backs of Anderson - a dead-ringer for the female prison inmate amassing the largest horde of chocolate pudding - and, in the right pair of pumps, Ashley Young. Grace Jones, eat your heart out.

Rounding out the bottom, Liverpool now hang by the ponytail of Andy Carroll after loaning out Alberto Aquilani to AC Milan for the 2011/2012 season.  That's a lot of pressure on their £35 million man. If Carroll's smart, he'll call up Kevin Nolan to get the name of a good barber in England's North West. Go ahead, Andy, treat yourself to the trim AND style. They're paying you enough.

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