FanPost

The Extraordinary Life and Legend of Sir Harry "Sugar" Kane, OBE - Chapter 3

 

Few know how Harry "Sugar" Kane came to travel through time. Some believe he unlocked the secret of fourth dimensional travel during a Spurs XI match against Grimsby Town. Others believe he discovered the mysteries of time and space while performing keepie uppies in a parking lot in Sussex. Still others think it came to him while attempting to pronounce PAOK Thesseloniki.

What is known is that during a training session at the Spurs lodge, Harry slipped behind the defense and emerged outside of the space time continuum. Most men would have been driven mad by a mere second of viewing the universe from outside the confines of reality. Yet Harry Kane was no mere man. He was a footballer who transcended time, space, and youth teams. "Well, I had really been enjoying my football," remembers Kane. "So I just kept my head up and kept looking for an opportunity to get in."

Kane plowed forward, dodging past elder gods and nutmegging a dying, bloated universe that looked surprisingly like Sol Campbell. Like a force of nature, Kane ran across the skin of reality and crashed against the shoals of our universe. It was a contest that our fragile universe could not hope to win. Yet, despite his prodigious skills and scoring record in League One, Harry had still not still reached his full potential. So rather than remerging at the Spurs lodge, he instead found himself in Sicily in 1347.

Shocked by his lavender Spurs kit and winning smile, local rogues believed they had found an easy mark. They had chosen a poor target. With the simple flip of a nearby rat, Harry decapitated his assailants. Knowing instinctively that he had to return to England, he began the long journey north, juggling one of his assailant’s heads as he moved forward and never letting it touch the ground. No one in Europe had ever encountered a footballer before, let alone a force of nature like Harry "Sugar" Kane, so he was greeted by fear and violence wherever he went.

Harry moved fast, using his pace to cut a swath across Europe and the head of his assailant and his instinct for goal to protect himself. History remembers his trip across Europe as "the Black Death," but after his loan spell at Leyton Orient, we now know that the force of nature that devastated medieval Europe was not the bubonic plague, but a category five Harry Kane.

Eventually, Harry returned to his native England and as he traveled to the future site of the Spurs lodge, he had adventures that would later become the basis of the legends of King Arthur, Robin Hood, Paul Bunyan, and Rick James. Finally, he arrived at his destination. Placing the skull that had served him so well on the ground, he took a penalty kick that reached 88 mph and tore a hole in the space time continuum. He raced through and emerged in our present day, behind Sebastian Bassong and ready to score.

Despite his long journey, Harry kept his composure, dribbled around the keeper and coolly slotted the ball in the net. Harry’s teammates were briefly confused by the blinding flash of light that accompanied his return (not to mention the skull that hit Joe Jordan behind the net) but they had long since become accustomed to the incredible things that seemed to happen around the young Spurs’ striker. "That’s just Hazza." said Michael Dawson, shaking his head.

Exhausted by his long journey through time and space, Harry retired to the lodge for a nice relaxing shower. However, as he entered the shower room, Harry’s day became even more out of the ordinary as he encountered something that was half Redknapp, half machine. "’Arry my boy!" exclaimed Robo-Redknapp in a metal tinged cockney drawl that was followed by a series of beeps and clicks. "Top, top work today, lad. Now get your boots and your kit. We’ve got a match against Olympus Mons United in the year 8000! And they’re expecting us any minute!"

Kane couldn’t believe the mechanical gaffer. He was expecting a hot shower and a relaxing evening, not another trip through time. Little did the Spurs’ striker of the past, present, and future know that his second trip through time would be even more extraordinary than his first.

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