FanPost

Desperately Seeking: Bryan A. Edition


Looking for our wayward/prodigal/wayward son.

Last known residence: Miami. He is not of Caribbean or Jewish origins; this should narrow it down.

Last known accomplice: a tired farm animal.

Psychological/Physical Profile: Put simply, the man is a chameleon; he has disappeared before. As a master of disguise, he is willing to disfigure his face with the flimsiest excuse for a moustache that the human race has ever seen to maintain the clandestine nature of his being. But seriously...the flimsiest.

Perhaps more disturbing though, is that the man is a master of aliases. We have only been able to confirm his latest alias within the last two weeks. From Ashlock to Stachelock to Bryan A.; Jason Bourne wished he could change identities like this guy. Give him two more weeks and our Bryan A. may very well be Brian A. It gives me chills; and quite frankly, you should be getting them, too.

Endgame: Our target will not be easy to catch; however, we do have one trump card. His all encompassing hatred of America. We need our agents on every corner, twenty-four hours a day, in Clint Dempsey shirts, eating hot dogs with American cheese melted on top of them, talking up the virtues of the USMNT and MLS. Make sure to fixate on how European domestic leagues are "crap" because they use a table determine the league instead of play-offs. Our runner will only be able to tolerate it for so long; and when you are beaten savagely with a law book--and only a law book--we'll have our man.

Good luck everyone. Let's bring him home.

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