The Extraordinary Life and Legend of Sir Harry "Sugar" Kane, OBE - Chapter 23

Andre Villas Boas was introduced at the Tottenham Hotspur training facilities on a bright and sunny Tuesday. Talking to the Spurs chairman and staff, his thoughts were filled with ideas of the limitless possibilities that lay before the lilywhite side of North London. He was not thinking of moloids and their malevolent machines powered by lava mules. Understandably, he was quite surprised when moloids riding malevolent machines powered by lava mules burst from beneath the earth and kidnapped him.

Once the dust cleared and Daniel Levy had regained his bearings, there was only one thing on his mind. “This,” he thought, “is a job for Harry Kane.”

To many, Sir Harry “Sugar” Kane is best known as a young Spurs striker who has spent time on loans at Millwall and Leyton Orient. However, he is also a member of the Order of the British Empire, the world’s foremost authority in Tibetan mysticism, a world class Saxophonist, and a master of time travel. Daniel knew Harry would be found at the new training facility at Bull’s Cross, not simply because he would be working on his game, but because years ago, it was a 70 year old Harry Kane who split time and space open in Daniel Levy’s office to let him know exactly where to build the new facility. Having a time traveller on your squad occasionally has its benefits, although it can be terribly confusing. One can only assume Harry Kane’s irrational fear of Mars and association of Selena Gomez with far right political movements have something to do with his experiences in the far flung future.

Upon learning of the fate of his new manager, Harry Kane furrowed his brow. He requested 20 hershey bars, a handful of hard candy, and a blow torch. Fortunately, between Tom Huddlestone’s stash, Harry Redknapp having not cleaned out his desk yet, and Sandro’s locker, all of these items were easily available. Harry loaded up his backpack and told the chairman to wish him luck and to make sure that he wasn’t in Greece during the month of August.

With that, Harry began to run in circles around the training pitch until he gained enough speed to vibrate his molecules (a trick he learned to avoid beer bottles at Millwall), allowing him to pass through the ground and begin his descent to the Moloid kingdom.

Cutting through the Earth like it was a Championship defense, Harry passed through the Earth’s mantle. In the center of the Earth, Harry Kane was confronted by the citadel of the Moloids, a vast structure composed of dirt, bricks, and lava, which looked strangely like Upton Park. Used to such sights from his travels to the spiral edge of the galaxy, the bottom of the ocean, and East London, Harry pressed onward. Inside, he saw moloids, running about the floor of the massive complex with no rhyme or reason. In the center, he saw his new manager tied to a pole, struggling for his life.

Harry Kane began his approach when he was stopped by the war cry of the Moloid Emperor. “‘TRIFFIC” he bellowed with a voice that could shake mountains and establish bank accounts overseas. Emperor Redknapp confronted the young Spurs striker, who demanded the release of his manager.

“Aw, you’re a top, top lad, Mister Kane. But this bloody spaniard took my job. I toiled down here for years and I finally get away from this smelly subterranean muppets and now I lose my job to some foreigner? I don’t think.” The emperor licked his lips and clutched his scepter. He was uncomfortable speaking this much while not sitting in a driver’s seat.

Harry Kane tensed for a fight. Much like his encounter with the Joe Cole at Keeley Hazell’s home, he knew this would not end well. He began to sprint towards Emperor Redknapp as the moloid king motioned for his legions to attack. Suddenly, a massive explosion of light filled the chamber as a rift violently tore time and space asunder.

Hovering above the room were an entire robot legion made of gleaming chrome and silver, all adorned with the rubber face of Piers Morgan.

“Sir Harry ‘Sugar’ Kane of the Seven Sisters, Three Lions, and the Two Feet.” they announced in a voice that once belonged to Rachel Weisz. “You must die so that all of tomorrow must live.”

Oh boy.” exclaimed the time traveling striker. “Here we go again.”

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