In an ideal world, Tottenham would win a lot of trophies. The Premier League, Champions League, FA Cup, League Cup, whatever. I have a dream that one day the Spurs trophy case will have to be dismantled and rebuilt bigger because the old one couldn't hold them all anymore.
Until then, I will settle for what I can get and what I can get is the team with the best nicknames in the league. Is there a trophy for that?
Consider the Tottenham team and their nicknames:
Scott "Captain" Parker- Because Spurs are a classy club (the name harkens back to Shakespeare for god's sake), we begin with the man who single-handedly ended the Battle of Britain with his courageous flying over London, where he shot down 192 Luftwaffe planes. Fact.
Harry "Hurrikane" Kane- Easily the runaway winner for nickname of the century. If you are unsure then just wait until he scores and blast "Rock You Like A Hurricane" in your bar. You'll get it then.
Gareth "Welsh Jesus" Bale- Ryan Giggs might want to make a claim to this name, but let's be honest, he's more Abraham than Jesus. Weezus is everything everyone wants to be and more.
Benoit "BAE, Benny, Disco Benny" Assou-Ekotto- These are barely nicknames, but on a scale of 1-10, Benny is a 43 so he gets a spot on here anyways.
Gylfi "Siggy Smalls" Sigurdsson- Of all the nicknames, this one is the most problematic because he doesn't need a nickname. I mean, his name is Gylfi. Why do we need anything else? Then Siggy comes around, it is equally fun to say and now there is a dilemma. Siggy, Siggy, Siggy, can't you see, sometimes your names just hypnotize me.
Giovani "Johnny Two Saints" dos Santos- This name works even better for his brother, Jonathan, but older siblings are better anyways.
Younes "Kaboom" Kaboul- Is there anything you'd rather yell when he decapitates someone with a long range shot?
Jan "Johnny Vertical" Vertonghen- Simple, straight forward, and I like saying Johnny Verts.
Danny "On His Premier League Debut" Rose- Wheeeee!
Andres "Andy Town Snake" Villas-Boas- Another simple name and one that is very good for the less enlightened among us.
Tom "Huddlefro" Huddlestone- All fro, everything.
Jermain "Sisqo" Defoe- This is pretty much the best nickname ever because nobody, and I mean nobody, hates Sisqo. He made a name for himself by singing about thongs, calls himself "The Dragon" and now lives in Edmonton, Canada. That's a real thing. Sisqo is the best, and Defoe went with the same platinum blond hair that Sisqo had, thus making him the best.
Make room in that trophy case. The All-Nickname Team trophy is on its way.
Not a member of Cartilage Free Captain? Sign up below and start commenting. Everyone here is super fun. Check us out on social media for updates as well.