This is my first fanpost so bear with me, and try not to slay me too much in the comment section. I, like many other Americans that grew up in the South, soccer was not a big thing growing up. It wasn’t until my adult life that I got the itch that only the beautiful game can cure. However, trying to explain soccer fandom to American is like teaching chemistry to an 8 year old. Growing up in the South though, college sports fandom is about as close to soccer fandom that I can see.
Here in America, very rarely can you change your college allegiance. One picks a school (sports specific) around 8 or 9 and sticks with it until about the 16-18 year old range. Why that range? Because that’s about the time teenagers are deciding, applying, getting accepted or rejected from a college or university. From there, your loyalty is cemented. You pull for you school, your alma mater for life. Yes, you have room to hope for some kind of success for other schools, but never at a cost to YOUR school, and only if that other teams success helps your school (we’ll call that the SEC clause).
So, without further ado, I present how I view certain clubs and how they can be translated to college throwball teams.
Chelsea - Oregon
Ducks Sideline (via SportsVince21)
Tears of a Warrior (via onepotscreamer)
Oh what a sugar daddy can do to a program/club. Phil Knight, an Oregon alum and owner of Nike want his school to be great, and has given Oregon a blank check with the instruction to bring home the championship. Has fallen short, but there is an air of inevitability that the one day will win the ‘ship. Yeah, that CSKA London to a tee. Plus Chip Kelly is just as unlikable as John Terry and will probably screw your wife if given the chance.
Man Utd- Alabama
Midwest Trophy Company, Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant (via UA Dept. of Art & Art History)
Sir Matt (via damien_m_in_japan)
Tradition power? Check. Wears red? Check. Had the greatest coach/manger of all time come over to them and cemented a legacy? Bear Byrant and Sir Matt Busby fit that mold, so check. Loves to tell people how great they are? Check. Cheats to win all the time? Check. Has a manager/ coach that is an evil genius. Sorry I’m not going to admit that. Nope never.
Everton - Michigan State
Big Brother Is Watching You (via Prozac74)
Always in big brothers shadow even when big brother sucks really really bad is a common undeniable link between the blue side of Mersyside and Meechigan State. The inferiority complex is rich in their blood and no matter how hard they try, you guys will always play second fiddle in your respective local and national media. Nothing you can do will change it.
West Brom- Texas Tech
You’re both probably in the middle of nowhere if you ask someone who not from there. Both are probably have a successful history, but no one cares. You are just fly over places. I don’t make the rules, I just cite them.
Arsenal- Ohio State
THE PURDUE OHIO STATE FOOTBALL GAME* (via gobucks2)
No one, and I mean NO ONE likes you except you. Both are obnoxious, loud, wear red, and haven’t won anything since Napster was relevant. Both wear red, which probably is why there is a rise in the colorblindness in the world. But, my g_d, when you guys are actually worth a damn, you are a sight to watch, especially if one like "classic" ball. But, when you lose, no one has to troll you, you guys will fight yourselves to everyone else’s amusement. Nothing good has ever come out of Ohio or Woolwick. Even if I have never been to either of these places, I can say that with confidence.
Fulham - Syracuse
You are where you are. Nobody expects too much from you, but when you do well most people are happy for you. Your loyalist in the media do a good job of making you seem insufferable, but for the most part you guys are just waiting for something decent to happen. Stay calm and get a modern place to play.
Man City- Oklahoma St
20090802-IMG_9096 (via El Cajon)
You want to be like CSK London/Oregon and even have a bigger, richer sugar daddy. However, you main rival is a traditional power and will not allow you to achieve success. Also, you just rub people the wrong way. You disgust me. (Do you have any friends that want to buy Tottenham?)
Virginia Tech Meechigan
Michigan Stadium, University of Michigan (via Heather Brady)
We win, just not when everyone is watching us. We have a certain style that we are known for. However, when it’s time to put up or shut up, we shut up. Why, I don’t know, but we do. If I could explain it, I be the manager/ PR person/ a hero, instead of a n00b writer trying to have Ohio State problems. I’m just going to go drink now.
Orignally I had the Spurs analogy being Virginia Tech. However, I was made aware that Meechigan works better. With that hate to that school in Ohio, the red side of London, along with both having a coach/ manager in recent memory that can't show their face around there ( just mention Ramos around a Spurs fan or RichRod around a Michigan Man) I had to change it. Just remember guys and gals, "Better Dead than Red."
West Ham- West Virginia
Green Street Hooligans (via Gizoid)
Setting things on fire and causing destruction on and off the pitch/ field is your reputation. Laws and civil order be damn, you are going to live up to your reputation. Doesn’t matter if you’re good at it, which you kinda are right now, you are going to do it. However, pulling the "we get no respect" and "everyone around us is so much better" are your go to replies to everything. Please don’t fight me you crazies. I’ve seen the movies about you guys. I’m sorry. (Green Street Hooligans is Elijah Woods worst work)
Don’t put you and Sunderland in the same room. All hell will break loose and not in a good way. You punch above your perceive weight it seems. That’s because we always underestimate you and your resources. I like you a little, but there is something about you that makes neutrals uneasy.
Swansea- Louisiana- Monroe
You come out of nowhere, beat people you have no business beating and leave. Every time it’s a surprise and no one can truly explain it. Maybe it’s because right down the road, there is a bigger badder monster looming. You, you are just cute and cuddly. Why are you beating us?
You hate them. They hate you. Newcastle, Misouri and you are never going to get along. Also, it seems that all the reject and people not very good at their sports seem to end up here. And you guys make it work.
Aston Villa- Tennesse
You used to be great. You used to be the envy of the region. You used to be a contender. Now, now you’re just fodder. My how the mighty have fallen.
Duck Fuke (via Joe_Focus)
Just waiting around for the real sport season to start. Rugby and basketball. Here’s a secret though, you guys suck at that too. Duck Fook 4ever!
Listen, if you were good, you be a Ohio State. They always eventually end up at Ohio State anyway. Just accept it. However, when you beat Ohio State, Virginia Tech really really loves it.
Liverpool- Norte Dame
This Is Anfield 2 (via travellingmonkey)
Play Like A Champion Today (via Bitter Jose)
Wake up the echoes! If anyone embodies the sport, you guys do. You’ve wonit more than anyone. You have the most history. You are misunderstood and everyone is a hater. Also, you were last relevant in the early ‘90’s yet you continue to sucker TV executive to give a damn about you. Water is wet, the sky is blue. Some things will never change. Everyone is going to hate you forever.
You should be better because of the resources around you. But who would want to live here. Besides, Oklahoma St really owns you.
Leeds United- Auburn
You used to be good, maybe even great. But now, you life revolves around trying to beat ‘bama/ ManU.
PSG- Miami (of Florida)
The new boys, that no one has figured out. The truest meaning of "You ain’t got no history" to which you respond with "who needs history when you have trophies". Then you say some homophobic sayings. Plus you live in a place that is wonderful and makes me jealous I don’t live there.
Everyone wishes they could copy you. You culture, your history, your location. Everything about you is what everybody else wants to be. Jealousy is a weak emotion , but you guys cause that in people. Buck Farsa, geez.
Real Madrid- Texa$
Not only do you have all the money in the world, you want more. Greedy, greedy S.O.B.s. But you make your money work. Can’t hate the playa. Plus, anybody who’s anybody (from that area) wants to play for them.
Bayern Muchen- Florida
You are the cake. When you suck, no one can explain how. That’s great you’ve been for so long. You can’t explain that.
Rangers (of Glasglow)- Penn St
You used to be great. But then the people in charge failed in their basic responsibilities. Now you will be irrelevant for a long long time, which is well deserved. I bet once you become good again, though, you’ll be insufferable and won’t shut up about it. 2025 is the earliest that will happen.
Religion made you great. Too bad you’re not as good as you think you are. Just like religious people.
Lazio- Texas A&M
Five for Yell - Arches (via Doug Klembara)
Cult like, and full of hate. Deal with it.