SchadenFreund Corner: Arsenal sign Theo Lolcat to £100k per week deal

Scott Heavey

Wenger speaks out on his baffling decision to hand Theo Walcott a new contract.

Theo Walcott's long-running contract saga has finally come to end as today he signed a three and a half year deal worth up to £100k per week.

Yes that's right, £100k per week. For Theo Walcott. Naturally this bizarre decision by the club sparked much confusion in the footballing world. Luckily, we at Cartilage Free Captain were able to catch up with Mr. Wenger and pick his brain over this baffling move.

"Well you know, Theo Walcott, like so many of my players, he is like a son to me," Wenger said. "I was worried that if we did not sign him to a new contract that he would end up living on the streets as a homeless person. If he did not stay here, where would he go?

In the past when we have had players leave their homes here at Arsenal, we made sure they had room on Barcelona's bench for them to sleep on. But sometimes there is not room in their shelter.

Look at poor Alexander Hleb. You know, he had a nice home here at Arsenal, but we were not able to give him what he wanted, and we sent him up to Barcelona without checking to see if they had the space. And now he has spent the last 5 years begging his way across Europe, from Germany to Russia to Birmingham. It is such a terrible thing to see happen.

So when we saw they opened a new shelter in Manchester, we started sending our players there. Gael and Samir have settled in very well, and in their letters to me they always say what a comfortable bench they have for sleeping. But when we talked to Mr. Roberto about sending Theo there to be with his old friends, they told us they already signed an 'overrated fast guy with delusions of self-importance.' My English is not so good so I do not know what that means, but the message was clear that they did not have room for my Theo.

We tried calling around to Turin and Munich and Madrid to see if they had any space, but mostly they just laughed because probably they did not understand the question. So what could we do?

We decided that if we cannot win trophies anyway, we should do our part to keep England's mediocre footballers off the streets."

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