Somewhere in Atlanta, Georgia sits a man. He sits alone, warmed only by the dim embers of his hate. Sometimes, when not killing kittens and giving indian burns to random children, he warms his cold heart by extinguishing the embers of hope that lurk within the souls of Spurs fans. Just yesterday he turned our joy into ash before our eyes arguing that Spurs did not need Joao Moutinho. It was compelling evidence that Spurs should spend their money elsewhere.
That is all well and good. However, I believe that Spurs not only have to sign Joao Moutinho but will. I come to you not with tactical analysis or fancy stastitsics telling us how many heartbeats per pass Moutinho has. Instead I come to you with the most powerful reason to sign him of all: YOLO.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you thought Drake was sharing half baked twitter slogans with us, but no, he was giving Daniel Levy valuable advice for the transfer window. It is time that we follow the advice of man who shares a heritage with our club.
Here's the simple truth: Moutinho is a world class midfielder and passer with more than 48 senior caps for the Portugal national side. He oozes class like the Berb oozes nicotine. He is coveted by at least three teams with more money than God and, thanks to AVB, its Spurs who have the inside track on him. Ask yourself, who was the last player came to Spurs who was already world class and still on the ascendancy? Klinnsman? Much like if someone asks if you're god, you say yes, if you have the chance to gazump three clubs built on petrodollars for a world class international you take it. I mean look at this, or this, or that. There are members of my family I'd kill to get that kinda midfielder on Spurs.
But what's that you say? Lennon's Eyebrow told you we'd have trouble fitting him into our midfield? We might hurt our 28 year old American's fee fees? Oh heavens forfend that we have four outstanding international midfielders for our manager to choose from, each of with offers us different strengths. Goodness gracious me, I may faint if we start to build a roster loaded with enough talent to win the league. We will find room for him. We'll squad rotate, we'll open an account with Howard Webb like United have. We will find a way to get him on the pitch. We know we have 20 million pounds set aside for Moutinho from the summer. Time to put that money to good use.
We've been missing Modric's metronomic string pulling in the midfield and that's what Moutinho is going to give us. Sure this might seem superfluous, until you realize that half the league is going to shut up shop against us and dare us to find a way to score against an 11 man defense. As good as Dembele, Parker, and Sandro are, none of them can run things from the midfield like Sweet Baby Mouts.
"But Skip," you say. "We should be spending that money on a striker like that dreamy Leandro Damiao with his eyes full of stars and hair made of unicorn down." This is all good in principle, but if you think that we are going to buy Damiao, then I would suggest you take a moment to do some homework before we continue.
Look, the thing here is we have a rare opportunity to snatch one of the best players in the world away from our rivals and some of the richest clubs in Europe. Will we follow the "facts" and "well reasoned ideas" of a bitter, unemployed man who hates all that is beautiful in this world. Or will we listen to what matters most: our hearts and the hashtags created by Drake?
When life gives you lemons, you YOLO.