Like many English teams, Tottenham Hotspur is blessed with several famous fans. However, they are more important to us than they are to an Arsenal or a Chelsea. With AVB in charge, a team wide walk out is always around the corner. Celebrities, with their love of the club and no need for money, provide us with a valuable cache of potential players who would be immune to AVB's club destroying dynamics.
So, if AVB drives off all our players, what is the best Tottenham All Celebrity XI? Let's find out.
Adele, GK - In today's increasingly international game, finding a way to communicate between players who do not even speak the same language is more important than ever. Adele, a billion time Grammy winner and noted Spurs supporter, would be a valuable asset for the team, able communicate with any and all players through the international language of painful break up songs.
Phil Collins, RB - Phil's music can repel other teams' attack. Or he won't be able to play music. Either way, its a win.
Marina Sirtis, CB - Nothing is more important for a defense than being able to read the movements of your opposition. No need to be fast when you know when their attack will be. Not only is Star Trek's Counselor Troi a lifelong Spurs fan, but her empathic abilities will enable her to anticipate the other team's attack, as long as she doesn't stand there with her hand on her head squinting for too long.
Charles Bronson, CB - No, not the actor. The man dubbed the "most violent prisoner in Britain." He's a Spurs fan. Let's put him at the back and let him wreck some fools.
Jamie Bamber, LB - Battlestar Galactica's Apollo is a Tottenham fan. He had like 20 jobs on that show, ranging from Viper pilot to Lawyer to President to fat guy. He should be able to handle Left Back. If all else fails he can just crash a space ship into the other team's striker.
Jude Law, CDM - If Jude Law's genetics can get Ethan Hawke into space, they can get Spurs into the Champions league. The English actor would lull the opposition's attack into a false sense of security with his good looks and charming wit, then break their heart by taking the ball off their feet and cheating on them with the babysitter they hired before the game.
Neal Pearson, CM - An accomplished English television actor, Neal Pearson is an avid Spurs fan, regularly seen at the Lane. He also had to play an Arsenal fan in Fever Pitch. I think we've found a midfield destroyer ready to take out some aggression on some dudes.
John Cena, CM - A good midfield is important for dominating a game. Anyone who watches wrestling knows that no one dominates a sport quite like John Cena. Also he's covered in muscle and can crush Mesut Ozil's head under his arm like a grape, which will be dangerous because his eyes are already bulging so no one will know when his head is going to explode.
Rupert Grint, CAM - Tottenham have always been a club that was about glory, prizing beautiful play over results. A little bit of magic has always been an important part of our club's midfield and young Mr. Weasley would give us the creativity we need. Also, its the same position as Glenn Hoddle and I'm sure that a graduate of Hogwart's believes in reincarnation.
Steve Nash, ST - Tottenham born and bred, Steve has been one of the most dynamic players in the NBA for over a decade. And he's not too bad at footy either. He can take us to new heights by bringing that same killer instinct to his beloved lilywhites. And let's not forget that a team that kept Ledley King on the field with no cartilage for the better part of a decade is well positioned to follow in the footsteps of the Phoenix Suns' medical staff.
Salman Rushdie, ST - Known for breaking taboos and barriers with his fiction, Salman can apply that same talent to breaking through opponents front lines. Also all the fatwas against him should motivate him to keep moving around the pitch, pulling defenders out of position for his teammates while also avoiding snipers.
Bench, Adam Richman - The Man vs. Food host doesn't know you're not allowed to support Spurs and West Ham at the same time. He can get to know Gio and David Bentley in the dugout until he learns some fucking history.
Steffen Freund, Manager - Since we all know that AVB will be fired eventually, we need a backup. Fortunately, he's already at the team and famous. Steffen Freund is an awesome footballer. He won a 2 Bundesliga titles, an English League Cup, a European Championship, and a Champions League Trophy. He was a football genius for Tottenham Hotspur and a manager for the team. And best of all he's a fan of Tottenham, showing up in the supporters section of Spurs wearing his own game worn jersey. We love Steffen Freund and Steffen Freund loves us. What a guy.