Know your opponent: Everton

Chris Brunskill

Usually, we talk to someone who writes for a big team blog for this piece. Today, we go inside a husband and wife rivalry instead.

This is a guest post from Brixton17.

Sometimes, you can know your opponent too well. This often comes from living with them for 10+ years, having to hear the insufferable moaning when Tim Howard is out of position yet again, or subbing in Phil Neville in a 0-0 second half at home. I really do deserve a fucking medal.

Today we sit down with the world's only 2013-14 Everton badge-liker, my husband ClashSLF, and dissect this weekend's match up at Goodison. While I truly appreciate all of the commentariat's general concern regarding my state of mind at the time of my wedding vows, it could be worse. Better dead than red.

Brixton17: You're having a pretty great start to the season, big thanks to Barry and Lukaku. I expect a finish as strong as Barry's jawline this year from Everton, behind Spurs. Who will you support next year after the Everton RedBulls are relegated?

ClashSLF: Yeah. Those two have been beasts so far, but it's a quite bittersweet knowing that their deals aren't permanent. Relegation? Ha! We have about as good a chance at that as you do losing your star players to Real Madrid.

Fuck.

Brix: Sylvain Distin. He's old and slow. How does it feel to be a club that has a starting lineup with a 35-year-old who has a second job as milkman? Is Kenwright really so cheap he won't spend for new defenders, or pay the current players a living wage?

Clash: How did it feel relying on ‘Grumpy Grandpa' Friedel between the sticks? The milkman delivers. He'll still somehow be starting for us in 50 years either as a bionic man, cursed mummy or just as a geriatric Frenchman continuing to defy all logic and science. We don't have a galleon full of Spanish doubloons emblazoned with Bale's face to spend on defenders, but we do have some up and comers in John Stones and Shane Duffy. We don't really need defenders in Martinez's system anyway.

Brix: Everton's new badge is really sad. Not that one, the OTHER new badge. The one voted on by the world-renowned design firm, The People's Club. How does it feel to dethrone Chelsea for the whiniest fans in the league?

Clash: *sigh* I'm a graphic designer so it hits close to home. This gif sums up my feelings on the subject.

Tumblr_mr4goqsogw1qcmzyzo1_400

The current badge is badass, dude! It's a shame Mommy Everton decided to give in and buy my crying baby brother his candy. Especially considering my baby brother is 20 years old and still draws stick figures with Crayolas while I'm painting Rembrandts over here. Next year's badge is awful. 2/10--will not buy jersey.

Brix: Apostolos Vellios. Better than Jelavic. What does Roberto Martinez have against the Greeks?

Clash: A few of us keep wondering when we will see more of The Apocalypse and less of Jelavic. But I will say that Jela can at least do more than just take penalties. Oh, and there was that one time that he scored a beautiful last minute winner against the Spurs. Remember when you had to wear my blue jersey? That was cool. Fun fact: Vellios assisted that goal with a bicycle kick.

Brix: Everton, the more established club of the two, is steeped in rich history, rising up against adversity from a local rival, and held its place in the elitist of leagues. Despite your pride in Everton's age and history, it can be troubling sharing a roof with someone who's chosen club is the embodiment of youthful success. How do you cope with feelings of inferiority on a daily basis?

Clash: Hey, Finch Farm is producing, baby! Harry Kane wishes he was Ross Barkley and Tom Carroll is an utter failure. He's personally been relegated. That Town's End guy is alright, though. And I still say Holtby is disappointed that Everton didn't get to him first.

Looks like we have a couple questions from the audience.

Snoho56: How has the combination of a shitty beer sponsor and American footballers contributed to Everton's climb up the hipster ladder? On a scale from Mumford & Sons to unicycles, where does Everton fit?

Clash: You've got it all wrong Snoho. Liverpool is the plaid-shirt-wearing-bearded hipster's choice PBR of the EPL. Everton is more like a tall, frosty Men's Room Red. Tottenham is Ballantine Ale, preferred by Marty Crane, Duke and other old men.

Skipjack: Which washed-up United player will take Phil Neville's place at Sir Alex's Retirement Home for Aging Footballers?

Clash: Michael Carrick. Still hurts, doesn't it?

Brix: Martinez has been utilizing subs in an attacking fashion this year, as opposed to Moyes' often overly defensive decisions. How do you think this will benefit the club when Leighton Baines is sold to Tottenham in January?

Clash: Next question please.

Brix: Michael Dawson or Phil Jagielka? Whose peen would you rather see in a tunnel?

Clash: Jags' peen IS a tunnel! I've already seen Dawson's, it must have been cold that day. Jeez, what is it with you guys and your dick pics and panty snatching? Can you please class it up with some artsy, near-nude black and whites?

A special thanks to snoho56 and Skipjack. A very special thank you to ClashSLF, who not only failed to realize that the correct answer to the last question was "both at the same time", but who also had no choice by to answer these questions lest I drop the lit match on his Baines jersey, which was drenched in lighter fluid. COYS!

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