In the Zone - A Tribute to Britney Spears and Tottenham Hotspur

At the request of someone, my skills have been summoned to write a fanpost rating Katy Perry’s songs. I thought about it, and it’s so obvious that California Gurls is the best song. How on earth can I put that into a fan post? I think there’s a character minimum. And you wanna know what? Katy Perry, while great, is just living in the shadow of our Queen B, Miss Britney Spears.

There is nobody quite like Brit, and there never will be. Nice try, Madonna. Britney represents the growth from a young girl into a superstar, with many, many interesting stops along the way. MUCH LIKE OUR BOYS IN WHITE.

Without further delay for those of you who haven’t yet closed this tab—(I don’t judge), I bring you the 2013/2014 Tottenham Hotspur squad, cross-referenced into Britney’s greatest hits. #yourwelcome

Toxic- Brad Friedel

Sorry dude. That song isn’t as good as everyone thinks it is.

Gomes – Criminal

AVB must think our locked-up keeper is a bum, bum, bum, bum.
He lies, he fumbles, he’s unreliable.
He’s a sucker without a loan, loan, loan, loan.

Gomes is clearly the better option (read: song) than Friedel, but he just gets no play. The press is just so unfair after someone hits rock bottom, huh?

Hugo Lloris – Overprotected

He don’t need nobody telling him just what he wanna
what he what what what he’s gonna
do about head injuries

This includes you, Michael Dawson, British press, and armchair doctors.

Jan Vertonghen – 3

Can't you see
he’s our favorite number 3
Got 360 degree visibility
Countin’ on our 3
to protect GD
help our favorite Frenchies
everybody loves (oh!)

Kyle Walker – I Wanna Go

He, he he, wants to go-o-o, all the way-ay-ay up the entire right-hand side. And you know what, we let him, because this song is fucking awesome and so is Kyle. Shame on you, to doubt our 2.

Michael Dawson – Hold it Against Me


Vlad Chiriches – Till the World Ends

I notice that he’s got it
I notice that we want it
We know that he can take it
to the next level baby
If we want this good ish
gotta fix the nose sitch
baby, he’ll hold up the back high line.

Seriously, let’s only sell him if the world ends.

Younes Kaboul – Piece of Me

Younes, we all want a piece of you, but if we take anything, you’ll get injured for the entire season again.
You’re in Lilywhite heaven
since 2007
doesn’t matter if you have pain in the knee
we’re still gonna hold out the dream.

Kyle Naughton – Oops! I Did it again!

You see his problem is this, he’s playing the left.
Wishing that Walker didn’t truly exist.
I cry, watching these games,
AVB’s a fool, in so many ways.
But to lose all our left backs,
that’s just typical Levy.

Danny Rose – Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know.

…if you are fucking injured or not. Are you? Because I’m getting sick of this shit.
Don’t hold back
just wrap that toe
I need to see you play
you need to save the day
Oh, if you love Spurs so
don’t let us be the last to know.

Sandro – Stronger

Sandro is stronger than yesterday
Now he’s nothing but in the opponents way
His injury ain’t killing us no more.

Etienne Capoue – Radar

This kid is on my radar. He hasn’t played a ton, but we expect big things.

Match fitness is a must
massiveness is a plus
tackling is a rush
defensive, we like ‘em rough.

Mousa Dembele – Slave 4 U

Mousa. Seriously, what I wouldn’t do to have you healthy and playing all the time. And stripping on the sidelines. Because, holy shit, I’ve got feelings too.
And I need to do what I feel like doing
so just me go and Google Image search.

Paulinho – Work Bitch

You have a hot body
You wanna goal party?
You wanna help Bobby?
You better work bitch.
You wanna hang with Chripy,
sip martinis
be friends with Baldini?
You better work bitch.
Now get to work bitch!

Andros Townsend – Sometimes

Sometimes you run
sometimes you hide (with the ball in the corner with 3 defenders)
Sometimes we’re scared of you
But all we really want are goals from the right
dribbling tight
a bit of defensive fight
baby all you need is time.

Erik Lamela - Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

GD Brit’s abs are TDF in that video, and helllooooo.
Our Coco needs time
a moment he can shine
and right now he’s somewhere in between.

Gylfi Sigurdsson – If U Seek Amy

Oh baby baby have you seen Gylfi tonight?
Is he on the left wing, tekkin’ up the side?
Love him, hate him say what you want about him
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging him to If U Seek Amy.

Christian Eriksen – Circus

All eyes on him in the center of the pitch just like a circus
When he whips that ball in from the far corner, it serves a purpose
Don’t stand there watching him, score now, show us all what you can do
Everybody let’s go, crowd screaming "yiddo" just like a circus.

Aaron Lennon – Lucky

He’s so lucky, he’s a star
But he cry, cry, cries without league starts, thinking
if there’s something missing from the right
then why is my coach not so bright?

Clearly Aaron knows what the commentariat has all long.

Lewis Holtby – (You Drive Me) Crazy

Well, not me. But the other ladies and gents on this blog, especially Rosenblatt. Actually, you do drive me crazy, in a bad Scott Parker kind of way. You run a round a lot.
Crazy, but your play is alright.
Baby, thinking of you doesn’t keep me up all night.

Nacer Chadli – Baby, One More Time

Hey Chadli, I would like you to play, baby, one more time, on the left. Just once. Before I totally write you off for injury and realized that everything that comes after this song and dance is pure gold, and this was just quick flame in the face of greatness.

Jermain Defoe – Womanizer

Dating rap sheet longer than K-Feds.
Oh Defoe, look at you, getting starts in the league cup
Baby you, get all the calls with the flags up

Harry Kane – Boys

Sometimes we forget he is one (you know we need him).

Guys, he’s like 12, and this song is getting into TMMC’s territory.

Roberto Soldado – Gimmie More

Gimmie More, Bobby. Gimmie, Gimmie More.
You're a very talented striker
but we want to go the extra mile with you
The center of attention
even when we’re up against the wall
You got yourself in good position
if your on a mission
wingers better be dishin’.

It’s Bobby, bitch.

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