In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop
If you're a fan of Manchester City, that's great cause there's no way your team is getting relegated!
Note: This blog post was written during an all expenses paid trip to the UAE courtesy of Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan. This terrific guy's immense generosity helped keep this author super unbiased AND super excited for the Qatari World Cup. Watching players' eyeballs melt during the World Cup will make the games so much better you guys.
Your Club Sucks: Manchester City doesn't suck! It's great. They wear awesome blue kits and are native to Manchester, not like those fair weather United fans from Singapore, am I right? This is their city, funded entirely by people who love Manchester and maybe also only go there twice a year. Maybe.
Your Owner Sucks: Maybe YOUR owner is a shady dude with more money than God who is linked to a family and regime that rules a country with a less than ideal human rights record and a shocking lack of respect for women and gay people, but Manchester City's owner is an awesome guy who is super nice and would never do those things and even if he did they wouldn't be that bad and he's only got a gagillion dollars so he's still learning about this whole nation state thing, right? You can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs and jeez people should just calm down about human rights abuses I mean its not like he's keeping Grey's Anatomy on the air AM I RIGHT?
Your Last Season Sucked: I mean, they only finished second and didn't win the Champions League. God that's the worst, right? That's so sad. The team didn't even get their bonuses so they only got the one sports car this off season. Good thing they have suicide counselors on staff. Also beautiful women who do their laundry and wear swimsuits.
Your Coach Sucks: Pelligrini is great, what are you talking about!? He took Malaga deep into the Champions League! No one's heard of Malaga so that must have been really hard and I'll bet he had no good players. He seems pretty cool to me. And I'll bet he only takes money from super cool dudes.
Your Players Suck: Well I mean they are playing Javi Garcia in defense. I guess Sheik Mansour likes playing games on hard mode.
Your New Signings Suck: Navas is always doing the blue steel thing. That's kind of weird, right? But I'll bet he's a super nice guy and he only takes money from super cool dudes.
Why you might escape the drop: Journalists visiting the Middle East start paying for their own trips?