Tottenham Hotspur vs. Stoke: Player ratings to the theme of New Year's Resolutions

I’ve blatantly stole this piece from our writers who refuse to do player ratings anymore. #notsorry. This season, we've decided to assign player ratings according to different themes. This week's theme will probably spark a heated debate among everyone and possibly get the People in the community to rip each other's heads off. For that I am also #notsorry. Player ratings are set to the theme of ... New Year's Resolutions!

Five stars – Adding an additional Spurs Player to your favorites list.

If you think you couldn’t have done any more to support our beloved Spurs this year, the you sir/madam are the Mayor of Wrongville. Lots of people on here throw around that term, but it’s never been more applicable than it is at this moment. Your best course of action is to add another (Possibly even and incoming Transfer) favorite to your list of best Spurs players. But don’t get their name on a kit quite yet. That’s just too much commitment.

Mousa Dembele - Moose had great workrate for this last game of 2013. He didn’t put too many feet wrong, and he bossed that Stoke midfield around better than Mark Hughes. Mark Hughes should make it his New Years Resolution to be more like Dembele.

Aaron Lennon - I’m an admitted Aaron Lennon fanboy, but against Stoke, it was for good reason. Lennon had a great performance on the day, and he rounded it out with a great (deflected/not-deflected) goal. He put in two dangerous balls that should have been converted by our frontmen, and caused lots of trouble to the defense.

Paulinho - My guess is Lil Paul got an iPad for Christmas. Cause he seemed to Facetime with someone back home to give him a refresher on Samba. He found his Brazilian footballing style and just went from it. Sadly, Charlie Adam is brutal and injured our playmaker, but it’s good to see Paulinho getting his groove back.

Four stars – Quitting Smoking

So you’re trying to quit smoking? Improve your life a bit. Good for you. It’s a hard habit to break, and it’s great for you to give it a go. We’re all behind you. And for those of us who did it say 10 months ago, we just have to say whats taken you so long.

Emanuel Adebayor - It’s great to have a tall guy in the box, no? (Infer what you will here) Ade didn’t look as bad as the boxing day match, and was effective when he got a little time on the ball. He won us a clear penalty with a fancy kick into Shawcross. All in all, good play from Ade despite missing a sitter.

Roberto Soldado - Bobby scored us the aforementioned penalty, and kept really busy most of the match. He seems to be waiting less for service, and getting into areas that get him the ball. Though he missed a sitter, he was all in all good on the day.

Vlad Chiriches - Vlad played well. He’s quite imposing in central defence, and didn’t have too much to do on the day. We snuffed out most of Stokes attack and that’s a good thing. He really should get to the gym though, he could use some bulking up.

Three stars – Hitting the Gym

So you’re on the fitness kick now? Got you’re predatory gym merbership all in place? Going to pump iron like you’re on the prison yard serving 10-15? Sure ya are. It’s not like you’re going to give up on it in a couple months right? That’s not your style. There’s a new Thurgood Jenkins today! (We all know you’re likely to quit within the first two months and have to fight with your gym to cancel anything. Quit while your ahead. #yourwelcome.

Kyle Naughton - Kyle the second looks much more confortable in the right back position. He played well, but not outstanding. I certainly like him better over there than on the left. Perhaps he just needs a personal trainer to give him more motivation. Time will tell.

Zeki Fryers - For his part Zeki did OK. He seems to be keeping to the Cardio machines, so his fitness isn’t in question, but he could stand to do a little more in the way of attacking. I suggest a trip to GNC for some Crane Bill Extract and High Dose Caffine Supplements. Truth be told, he’s the better option for an injured Danny Rose at the moment.

Hugo Lloris - Not to take away from anything Hugo did, but he didn’t have much to do. I’d rate him higher, but Stoke had all of 1 shot. If he’s going to stand around, he should at least do some Burpee’s or Jumping Jacks.

Michael Dawson - It’s good for Michael Dawson to get a game where he doesn’t have to think as much. Mental workouts are just as hard as physical ones. Again, he didn’t have a lot to do, so can’t fault him much. That P-90x is looking like it’s starting to pay off.

Christian Eriksen - I’d say you had a slightly mediocre game. Made some good plays on the offensive side of the ball, and not too much wrong defensively. There were times where I wondered a lot about where you went, but it’s not like you strayed too far from the game.

Etienne Capoue - You don’t complain when coming on from the bench,you’re your deep lying role is great. Not much action on the whole, but a good outing.

Two stars – Be nicer to people.

Who are you kidding? Why did you even make this a resolution? This is CFC. Your opinions are brutal and you may as well live under a bridge cause you troll so hard. I’m not being nice to you because your international/state borders are ridiculous and your taste in BBQ and racism are pathetic. We can still be friends though. I guess.

Erik Lamela - I believe in you Erik. I really do. I know you’re trying hard, but it’s not working. Seriously, get your shit together. I don’t need you getting sent off in the first few minutes of your appearance. I wasn’t to see you on the pitch, not walking down the tunnel. Your New Years Resolution should be to get as many minutes on the pitch as possible, so we can all stop badmouthing you and see that you’re way cooler than Drake ever could be. I’ve got faith in you.

One star – Cutting out your drinking.

Let’s face it. You’re not cutting out or even down on your drinking. In fact, you’re probably going to do more as the season progresses. And probably more still because the World Cup is this year and thus, it’s your duty to. Nay, your job. And for those young people on here, your forays into alcohol abuse will seem legendary.

None of our players suck as much as giving up alcohol.

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