Hi, he's Gareth Bale. You may remember him from such superhuman feats as the night he dropped bombs on Lyon, making Magpies cry, spitting on West Brom and pretty much anything at Tottenham since the calendar turned to 2013.
Today brought his newest line in his application to be Pope (the job is open) -- beating a Jussi Kaaskelainen who was possessed by Zeus himself.
Sam Allardyce said before the match that West Ham had to pay special attention to Bale, which they forgot to do in the first half. They gave him space, he scored and Tottenham were 1-0 up.
But the Hammers learned their season. They marked Bale. They doubled-marked Bale. He was taken out of the match as West Ham dared someone else, anyone else on Spurs to beat them.
Level at 2-2, the Hammers had seemingly done the job. They had made it 89 minutes and Bale was still marked by multiple players anywhere he went. But West Ham gave him space once, from 30 yards, thinking no mortal could possible score from there.
"Hit a 30-yard knuckler into the top corner, Gareth. We dare you," West Ham said.
"Okay," Bale replied.
Game, set, match, life, Gareth Bale.