Since starting a new job, watching midweek games live has become a thing of the past for me. I've DVR'd every match though, and avoided the result throughout the day. Over the course of two Europa League legs, I spent the game gchatting my angry thoughts at Kevin who had already watched the match hours earlier. On Monday he told me to just liveblog my ramblings into a post, possibly because he thought you might enjoy them, or more probably because he was tired of talking to me.
Here's my DVR liveblog of the match, which I started with Bale's goal.
(Warning: This post contains colorful language so if you don't like people saying fuck, click "back" now)
OH GARETH BALE SCORES, WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE
So far this match has been a bunch of sloppy garbage interrupted by Gareth Bale being Superman.
Joe Cole showing some thigh has been the most interesting thing to happen since Bale shut the Spammer fans up.
Diame is a beast. I wish we had him instead of Scott Parker. But Dembele is even beaster and shuts him down in the box.
Walker's launched two shots into outer space tonight. Keep doing that Kyle. I'm sure one of them will go in.
Bale and Adebayor go two on three on a counter attack. Ade makes a run into space, but the West Ham defense wisely keeps all three men on Gareth Bale.
ARE YOU SHITTING ME? A PENALTY? ON ANDY CARROLL? THERE IS NO SITUATION WHERE ANDY CARROLL IN THE BOX IS A "SCORING OPPORTUNITY"
I'd like to say I'm surprised Scott Parker gave up a penalty, but I'm not because Scott Parker isn't good at football anymore.
Big Sam appears to be performing flagless semaphore on the sideline. Which makes sense since semaphore is often used to communicate with boats, Big Sam is probably used to people communicating with his fat ass that way.
Penalty replay. Why the hell are you slide tackling someone at the top of an incredibly crowded box? Especially when that someone is Andy fucking Carroll.
Vertonghen always looks completely out of control whenever he's running at full speed.
Matty Taylor's about to come on for Nolan. Taylor used to be good for a couple long range piledrivers a season. I have a terrible feeling we're going to see one tonight.
Mediocre Matt Jarvis has had the beating of Kyle Walker all night. Please be better than this, Kyle.
Can we all agree that Adebayor's "first touch" should be called his "last touch" because he never gets a second one.
"A" for effort on the acrobatics Gareth, but that was the least graceful thing I've ever seen in my life.
Announcers just mentioned Luis Suarez, who last night I dreamed was a hair stylist. But II couldn't get an appointment to see him. Dirty bastard.
Howard Webb hates Mousa Dembele. His yellow card was bullshit (he should have drawn the foul before he fouled the dude back) and now Diame just knocked him over to win a West Ham free kick. I have a bad feeling Dembele's seeing red today.
Kyle Walker finally shows Jarvis what's up and makes a last ditch tackle to save the day. Suck it, Jarvis.
I'm really glad we signed a great #10 to play him nowhere near his preferred position. He's out wide, he's deep, he's everywhere but where he's most effective.
We cannot buy a foul from Howard Webb right now.
Holtby really shat the bed on that break.
Scott Parker has just spun so many circles around a 2 yard area in midfield I don't know how he's not vomiting all over the pitch from dizziness.
Lewis, what are you doing with that shot? Gareth Bale is right next to you. He's the only person good enough to score goals.
Caulker with a great header and wouldn't you know, another shitty shitass keeper decides to make amazing saves against us.
Holy shit, Hugo literally just flew to knock the ball away from Joe Cole after Diame's cross.
Holtby's spent more time on his ass so far than on his feet. He FINALLY gets a foul called for his trouble.
Meanwhile Macca has talked more out of his ass so far than his mouth. But that's par for the course. Walls are stupid? Keeper's should always save every free kick? You're stupid as fuck and I can't believe someone pays you tons of money to say this inane shit.
Holtby's passing has been pretty awful so far. I hope this is just a product of him playing in an unfamiliar position and not because he's crap.
OHHhhhhhhhhh Vertonghen almost accidentally bags another deflected goal after a completely terrible ball in.
CAULKER AGAIN! FUCK YOU-SSI.
God dammit Parker. Play the simple ball to Gareth Bale.
Aaaaand Howard Webb continues to hate Mousa Dembele.
Oh good Parker! Please dribble 10 yards straight into a West Ham player. Do that, do exactly that.
WTF is happening to our defense right now.
Dembele is consistently 10 yards behind Parker. AVB, what are you doing? Sort this shit out.
Carroll goes down under pressure from Dembele and miraculously no foul is called against Dembele.
Holtby, who has been pretty crap today, comes off for Siggy Stardust. Come on Siggy!
Ian Darke is obsessed with the idea of Caulker and Siggy texting their former Swansea teammates congratulatory messages.
SIGGY OFF THE POST. AND OH MY GOD ADEBAYOR YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.
Why does every mediocre keeper in the league make awesome saves against us?
JOE COLE? REALLY? JOE COLE? What the fuck are you doing Vertonghen? Tries to play him off and then doesn't track him at all. And Lloris decided to channel his inner Chesney on that goal.
Please score a free kick, Gareth. Pretty please. I'll do anything. I'll say something nice about Scott Parker.
Gareth knew that was impossible for me, so he obligingly kicked it into space.
Cole replay and it just reinforces the fact that Vertonghen completely blew that shit.
SIGGY WHY WOULD YOU PASS THE BALL TO PARKER IN THE BOX?!? DO YOU NOT WANT US TO SCORE GOALS?
West Ham take the ball into the corner flag with 25 minutes left to play. I hate this team.
Siggy worked his way into a really nice position and has a pop. He's been significantly better than Holtby so far.
CAULKER DENIED A THIRD TIME?!?!?!? WHAT IN THE WORLD?
How have we had three good set piece deliveries off of corners and NONE of them have gone in? The universe does not want us to score off a corner kick.
Juicy is out of his goddamn mind right now. Bale coulda had his second.
GREAT SHOT SCOTT PARKER, MOAR PLZ!
Gareth Bale draws another foul and another West Ham yellow card. Please score this time.
Caulker has now dribbled forward more times than Dembele.
Lennon with a beautiful chip! But it's over Siggy's head because Siggy will never score for this team.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS LEARN HOW TO DO AN OFFSIDE TRAP FOR THE LOVE OF WEEZUS.
Pogatetz is a total assclown, but his assclownishness is perfectly suited to rile players up and get them sent off. I'm looking at you, Dembele.
It's wee Tom Carroll!!!! Oh I hope he does the bidness. Dembele has had a really crap game again. Our midfield needs something to make it work and right now Dembarker is not it.
Carroll is sooooo teeny next to Dembele.
Pogatetz gives away a free kick, and Dembele comes off the pitch, so I'm gonna say I totally called that one. I AM A PSYCHIC GENIUS.
OH MY GOD GYLFI DEFIES THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE AND SCORES!!!!! HE BREAKS HIS DUCK! THE DUCK IS BROKEN! SUCK ON THAT YOU STUPID DUCK!! OH MY GOD THIS IS A HAPPY DAY. DEMPSEY WHO? HERE COMES SIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGY!!!!
Now that I'm calm, Adebayor, what are you doing? That miss was hilaribad.
Lennon gets in beautifully but WHY ARE YOU PLAYING IT TO PARKER and the shot comes in and it bounces off Juicy because of course it does. I hate goalkeepers. This is stupid.
ADEBAYOR WITH THE HEADER AND OH MY GOD JUICY PLEASE EAT SHIT AND DIE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GOOD IN 5 YEARS WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
Bale puts another Spammer on a yellow for touching his divine being.
Jake Livermore coming on against Lyon caused us to score a late pseudo-winner. I'm convinced his entrance means we're going to win.
But AVB doesn't send him on, West Ham make a sub instead and OH MY GOD CLEAR THAT OUT OF THE BOX PLEASE.
Why is Jake Livermore not on the pitch? You're tempting fate every second he stays on the bench.
I forgot Lennon was playing for most of this match but he's been lighting it up for the last ten minutes or so. Pogatetz coming on was a terrible sub. Lennon is absolutely destroying him.
Andy Carroll, that is the most ungainly bicycle kick in history. You are a giant donkey.
Scott Parker booed off the pitch BUT IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR.
Jake Livermore finally steps onto the pitch to save the day. Leaving it a little late, Andre.
GARETH BALE NO YOU DID NOT HOW ARE YOU SO GODDAMN GOOD????
SUCK ON THAT JUICY.
Oh Gareth Bale. Words cannot describe how much better than Theo Walcott you are.
Awww everyone huggin' AVB! ALL THE LOVE!!
Tom Carroll with the assist, btw. That three foot pass made all the difference. He's a hero. Also, I'm sure Jake Livermore's presence had basically everything to do with that goal.
OH WHEN THE SPURS rings out around Upton Park. I love our fans.
Tom Carroll really has been very good since coming on. I love the way he's directing his teammates in midfield.
And there's the whistle! Siggy breaks his duck and Bale scores his now-customary brace. Spurs have become a team that battles until the 90th minute and doesn't quit until it's over. I love us.