What's that you can hear, Hulk? The sound of not enough Hulk to Spurs speculation..?

Hey, everyone! Stop freaking out about Ade and Defoe and how Leandro's clearly already signed a pre-contract with Arsenal and is just fucking with us as an envoy of the enemy! Don't even bother to freak out about Bale going up front and that for some reason not working like it obviously will! I also advise against freaking out about the possibility of Siggy, the deep-lying through-ball/long-shot wizard going up front and the opportunity cost of all the serious freaking out you otherwise wouldn't be able to do! Why?


Now, ok, this is impossible financially and there's been no speculation about it for months, but wouldn't it be lovely? Besides, it's better than being constantly linked with the same unattainable player. We're nothing like reaching our unattainable 5-a-day batshit striker links. What sanity is this?! Time to rectify with some chiropteric defecation of the highest order. If no so called "respectable" "news" "outlets" are going to link us with him anymore, then DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO LET THIS PASS.

A while back, this happened:



Look how they smile! Is AVB leaning on a cow? WHO CARES IT'S HULK AND AVB and some less famous guys in the background. I just want to pause for a moment and point out that no similar photo of Damiao and AVB exists, and that Damiao has never played under AVB before. Just let that sink in. This is more credible than the Damiao rumour. Given that Damiao is definitely coming in the summer, just imagine our fucking strikeforce! We'll be playing literally 10 strikers!

Also adding to the heavyweight reliability of this rumour: the news probably future Spurs player and notable former AVB protégée Hulk is being racially abused in Russia by a hardcore sub-group of the Zenit fans (sorry, Aslan, but it happens there more than here and it's nasty). I'm not going to make any jokes about that, because any racism is unacceptable.

Further pushing up the percentage likelihood, his prima-donna-isms have caused ructions with his less-well-paid colleagues. Let us be clear: if he did come to Spurs, this absolutely wouldn't happen. Levy wouldn't sign him on absurd wages, it'd be a big up front fee like with Ade. Also, nobody's going to piss off a player of his quality. He'd like London a lot more than I imagine he's enjoyed Russia, too. Primadonnas tend to settle quite nicely in London without kicking up any fuss, and our handling of notorious trouble-maker Adebayor suggests we really wouldn't have any problems, even ignoring AVB's obvious personal link to the player.

The thing which makes this obviously extremely likely transfer slightly less likely is this:

I decided to go to Zenit because I had won almost every competition at Porto and I like new challenges in my career. I hope I can carry on winning like that in the near future," Hulk told O Estado de Sao Paolo.

"I am getting used to my new home. Now I need to focus on football. The biggest challenge in Russia was the cold weather at first but after playing games at minus 12 (degrees), I think I am settling down quickly.

"We will fight for the title in the Russian league and try to win the Europa League."

Zenit captain Igor Denisov publicly criticised the decision to spend huge sums on the Brazil attacker and midfielder Axel Witsel, but Hulk insisted such issues are now firmly in the past.

"He (Denisov) never said anything to me. They talked among themselves and the board did not like it because it became public. But that is in the past," Hulk said.

"Today we have a good relationship. All this was overcome. We have no more problems.

On the other hand, AVB was once pictured with Hulk, and they both seemed pretty happy about being in the same place, and Spurs have been saving up for a striker, so spending say £50m on Hulk seems pretty likely. Also, look how unhappy Hulk was at being substituted this one time!

Another key factor to consider is that Hulk couldn't play for another team in January as he's already played for two teams this season. To phrase this another way, a team that is going to sign Hulk would not have bidded in January. Spurs did not bid in January. Now, I don't want to jump the gun, but does that seem like coincidence to you? It doesn't seem like coincidence to this reporter, especially in the context of this article from a reputable source written in the last few months. Also, this one. Maybe we should buy the shirts in readiness? They'll be cheaper now, before he actually signs.

In conclusion, this transfer makes overwhelming sense and is so likely to happen that it now surprises me I bothered to put a poll in at the bottom.


(If interested: other recent articles with better image-editery here Adebayor Huddlestone, and full size Hulk image in comments)

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