So, this site has already voted on all of the major awards for this amazing and amazingly painful season. We’ve voted on Player of the Season, Goal of the Season, Moment of the Season, and, of course, Best Hair. I’ve created and given out these other awards to give other great – and one not-so-great – moments, plays, and players their just due. If you disagree with any of them, or think of anything I forgot, go fuck yourself. Just kidding, share them below in the comments, as I’m sure I forgot a bunch, and there will be a decent amount of recency (just made that word up) bias. . Enjoy.
Oh, one last thing, I’m selecting these awards from the Premier League games only. I’m going to do a lot of racking my brain, and there’s a certain point where it becomes too much.
Pass of the Season
Big Tom submitted his best performance of the season coming off the bench at White Hart Lane against the then defending champions. He was given time and space on the ball and changed the game with his passing range. Hudd finished off his performance with a delightful through-ball to Gareth Bale, who chipped Joe Hart to make it 3-1 to the good guys. This choice came down to Huddlestone and Gylfi Sigurdsson’s pass to free Bale against Arsenal, but the higher difficulty level of Huddlestone’s pass ultimately won out.
Cross of the Season
Gareth Bale vs. Liverpool
This amazing display of skill was another moment that made me think "if only". Bale received a pass from Mousa Dembele around the halfway line, took the ball past a defender, and sprinted towards the byline. At full stretch on his weaker right foot, he hung the ball up perfectly for Gylfi Sigurdsson at the far post. Gylfi took the ball down in acres of space, but had his effort deflected onto the bar by Pepe Reina. If Gylfi had scored, it would have made the game three one and likely secured a crucial three points. Unfortunately, Liverpool scored twice, and we felt the brunt of these dropped points at the end of the season. Still, it was yet another example of Bale’s impeccable talent and drive.
Begins in earnest around 41:30 of the third video. (The video counts down, not up, which means it starts around thirteen minutes in.)
Set Piece Delivery of the Season
Tom Huddlestone vs. Chelsea
During his resurgence at the end of the season, Huddlestone took a lot of corners, and they mostly sucked. Which is really strange, because Huddlestone’s dead ball delivery during the first half of the season – when his set-piece delivery was wonderful. Against Chelsea, from well over 40 yards out, he played a ball behind the Chelsea defense towards the far post. The ball bounced to Jan Vertonghen, who played the ball across goal to Billy Gallas for a tap in.
Starts at 0:34.
Tackle of the Season
Sandro vs. West Ham
In the Novemeber home fixture against West Ham, Sandro brilliantly won the ball in midfield, and alertly flicked the ball to Aaron Lennon while still on his knees. A few seconds later, Lennon was through on goal, and squared for Jermain Defoe to complete a brace against his hated former club.
Other nominees: Too many heroic, last ditch tackles from Vertonghen and Dawson to even count, but Sandro’s wins out because it directly led to a goal.
Flick of the Season
Mousa Dembele vs. Stoke
Possibly our most crucial player, even more important than Gareth Bale, Dembele played a crucial part in what was, at the time, a glorious goal. He gorgeously flicked Bale’s shot from distance into the path of Clint Dempsey, who set up Emmanuel Adebayor for an easy finish.
Other nominees: Clint Dempsey vs. West Ham (different one than his pass), Emmanuel Adebayor vs. Chelsea
Block of the Season
Michael Dawson vs. Chelsea
This one’s a no-brainer. Iron Mike Dawson taking a blast to the dome for the company. Love it. Add that to the fact that we broke and scored from the corner, and this might have been the best sequence of the season for us. I hope we never sell Dawson.
Other nominees: I got nothing.
Goal-Line Clearance of the Season
Kyle Walker vs. Liverpool
Luis Suarez thought that he had nicked a goal, but his shot didn’t have enough teeth to it. Kyle Walker is probably the only Right Back in the EPL who could have made this place, using his phenomenal pace to race back and hack the Uruguayan’s goal-bound effort away to safety. Special shout out to William Gallas for having the wherewithal and agility to get out of the way of the clearance; had it hit him, it would have surely been an own-goal.
Starts at 1:17.
Other nominees: Again, got nothing.
Run of the Season
Gareth Bale vs. Liverpool
The caveat is that I’m not including runs that ended up in goals for the player who made the run. Those are contenders for Goal of the Season, which is a different category in my opinion. Bale’s lung-bursting runs against Norwich and Manchester United are therefore disqualified. This run against the Reds was before Bale blew up, but it was one of his finest pieces of individual brilliance, tearing the Liverpool defense apart and setting up Aaron Lennon for a tap-in.
Other nominees: Gyfli Sigurdsson vs. Arsenal, Gareth Bale vs. Liverpool (again, another one!), Gareth Bale vs. West Brom, Aaron Lennon vs. Chelsea, Aaron Lennon vs. Reading, Aaron Lennon vs. Manchester United, Gareth Bale vs. Sunderland
Miss of the Season
Jermain Defoe vs. Sunderland
There are a bunch of these. For all of Bale’s awesomeness, he blew a couple of sitters this year. The most high-profile is when he skied over the bar from the edge of the six yard box in the NLD. Emmanuel Adebayor seemed allergic to the back of the net at points this season, his worst miss coming against West Ham, when he headed the rebound from a Gylfi Sigurdsson shot right at Jussi Jääskeläinen with the goal gaping. I know I said that these awards were EPL only, but I HAVE to give a shout out to Scott Parker’s awful miss against Basel. Inside the six yard box, with the goalkeeper out of the picture, Parker somehow contrived to nick the ball off of the prone Lewis Holtby’s studs, and it deflected wide. It stands as Parker’s best opportunity to score in a Spurs shirt. But Defoe’s miss trumps all. He had space in the box, goalkeeper Simon Mignolet scrambling across goal and falling down, and a chance to put the game to bed. But the turf monster caused Defoe to lose his balance, and he ended up shooting to the one spot where Mignolet could save – straight at the Belgian keeper. The miss was so bad that it overshadowed another pretty bad miss from Adebayor in the first half.
Starts at 1:44.
Other nominees: Already discussed above.
Like 2pac in "I Don’t Give a Fuck", I’m ending this article with my fuck offs. Aka people associated with the EPL that can suck a fat one.
Laurent Koscielny – You look like a giant bird. Go away.
Mike Jones – Totally a penalty when Cazorla went down in the box.
Luis Suarez – Yeah.
Chesney – The only player associated with the game of soccer that I honestly hope gets hit by a bus.
Romelu Lukaku – Really couldn’t finish off that sitter against Arsenal, could you?
Julio Cesar – For making really good saves against us.
Mark Bunn – For robbing Gylfi of a winner. You’re a backup, stop being so good.
Newcastle – For being so good when we played them at St. James’ the first game of the season, and suffering from injury and loss of form to the point that they were a shadow of that team when Arsenal played them on the last day of the season.
John Terry – Because fuck John Terry.
Lebron James - I know he’s not associated with the EPL in any way, but fuck him anyway.