The Real Houseboys of White Hart Lane

Clive Rose

On a recent sleepless night, I couldn’t stop thinking about Tottenham or The Real Housewives of _______. Basically, nights like every other. The cast of characters on Bravo’s Masterpiece (FUCHT) Real Housewives franchise has quite a bit in common with something else I like, the boys from White Hart Lane.

During #batcountry season where it’s more logical that we have Nene Leakes playing a holding/box-to-box/creative/defensive/Tom Carroll midfield position than we sign THE, where we dwell on the “what-ifs” of AVB’s substitution policy, I say we move forward in the direction of discussing the more likely to happen: a squad made up of Bravo’s finest.

This ain’t no North London Squatters Purse Posse where Arsene and crew argue by hitting one another with handbags and throwing drinks on one another (h/t Skipjack)—this is an in-depth #analysis and cross-media reference on the people I see on my computer screen more often than I should admit. This is real life, people.

If anything, you finally have a way to bring in your ladies into liking Tottenham, or at least faking it, like the hair on Kim Zolciak’s head. You’re welcome, gents.

Without any further Aaron-Lennon-taking-a-shot-on-goal-like hesitation, I present you with The Real Houseboys of White Hart Lane:

Hugo Lloris-Ramona Singer (RHONY)

Let’s look at it this way, who’s the life of the party, Ramona or Bethenny? That’s right, Ramona. She’s the first off her line to throw a party and will go HAM when the time is right. Would rather drink Ramona Pinot Grigio or Skinnygirl? Skinnygirl makes you irregular. Must be the age.

Brad Friedel-Bethenny Frankel (RHONY)

See above, B’s time has come to a close. They deserve a lovely retirement. Well Brad does.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto-Kim Richards (RHOBH)

LOL !!! Right?<[[ A look at these two kooky cats and their Twitter feeds and there’s no need to explain anymore. No fucks given? Are they high? What does that tweet even mean? They may show up, they may not. They don’t care, but everyone else around them does, perhaps too much. LOL [[ }!!

Michael Dawson-Kathy Wakile (RHONJ)

Not the best character, but possibly the most lovable, the family leader. Kathy is defensive, loving, passionate, and bakes amazing sweets. Both may have a distribution problem with their goods, but everyone has a flaw—just hard to point it out when they are the head of the family, and you love them that much.

William Gallas-Lynne Curtin (RHOC)

Remember her? Yeah, she hasn’t been around for a while. She had quite a few derp-tastic moments on camera (eviction notices, bad parenting skills) that could rival our since-departed Frenchman. They aren’t bad people, but you almost can’t trust them due to their shady past.

Younes Kaboul-Jill Zarin (RHONY)

Was missed during the last season. That level of brazenness and bossiness fits in well on the backline, but the absence left room for others to flourish. Hard to say the “best” one was truly missed with so many talented friends to help out.

Steven Caulker-Melissa Gorga (RHONJ)

With Kathy Wakile/Michael Dawson leading the back line, nurturing their future leaders, Melissa and Steven are both rising stars. Steven will likely be more “On Display” soon, but there will always be the naysayers, those jealous bystanders.

Jan Vertonghen-Yolanda Foster (RHOBH)

The dreamy accent, the sheer European dominance. Jan and Yolanda ARE better than everyone else. They appear aloof for a reason, the reason is obvious. Blond(e)s have more fun…more controlled fun. Yolanda has said she finds drunkenness foolish, so she likely spent her New Years Eve in playing Monopoly.

Kyle Naughton-Kyle Richards (RHOBH)

Welp. You thought Kyle would be a good person to have around; because you’ve seen Kyle dancing and laughing with Kyle’s friends and everything seemed fine. But it turns out, Kyle can’t play both sides, Kyle can only play one side effectively. You could trying to play Kyle elsewhere, but Kyle is not to be trusted on the other side.

Kyle Walker-Tamra Barney (RHOC)

Oh my. Hero and villain, wrapped up into one. We have seen the worst of both (we certainly hope), and both are turning over a new leaf. Improved maturity, thinking before taking action, and boy we really want them to succeed. Both are on the road upward, and we hope they don’t look back.

Scott Parker-Sonja Morgan (RHONY)

For starters, hottest Housewife/Houseboy on the planet. A little older, but quite sexy. This past season we saw their fall from grace, but the had their moments of greatness (basically anytime Sonia is dressed to the nines, Scott’s lovely through ball in the NLD). But honestly, keep them around, even if just to look at. Le sigh.

Tom Carroll-Lydia McLaughin (RHOC)

Lydia, the new kid on the block in Orange County. We haven’t seen much of her yet, but what we see, we like. A lot. God we just love her, don’t we? She’s happy, tiny, young. I mean, she’s better than all these other bitches that have been around the block, right? Must be. Those 3 appearances are really something. A show of Lydia McLaughlin would be better than this smorgasbord of aging losers, obviously.

Tom Huddlestone-Lauri Peterson (RHOC)

They were around for a bit, and then they left. Oh, look, they’re back! Laurie joined the cast for a few episodes this season again, and it was so refreshing! For a bit. But are we sure she actually fits with this new crew? It’s been a while and things have changed. She’s likely better off with a new crew.

Jake Livermore-Camille Grammer (RHOBH)

She’s all but forgotten in RH franchise, and not to mention abandoned by her former husband Kelsey. It’s like if AVB forgot about the potential she showed in previous seasons and decided to bench her in favor of someone else who might be as good, but you’ll never really know because the Housewives are capped at 6 per season.

Moussa Dembele-Caroline Manzo (RHONJ)

Who runs the show? These two. They control who does what and when. This doesn’t just apply to their family of midfielders, this applies to anyone around them. And might I suggest not criticizing them? It won’t go over well. Their mafia is poised for attack.

Sandro Raniere-Nene Leakes (RHOA)

Nobody fucks with Nene Leakes. A few setbacks and surgeries in life cannot prevent this kid from flourishing. (S)he’s gonna be a star.

Lewis Holtby-Kelly Killoren Bensimon (RHONY)

A former model and one to post and pose for photos, shared on her Instagram and Twitter, Kelly just needs to calm down sometimes when interacting with others. The potential is there, but emotions runneth over. Just calm down, and take a technology break.

Jermaine Jenas-Michaele Salahi (RHODC)

Oh this bitch. That’s right, the ‘White House Party Crasher’ was a Housewife. Much like Jermaine Jenas was a player for Tottenham Hotspur last season. Similar to the Sahalis’ time at the White House, Jenas’ cameo in the waning minutes of the West Brom match last August was not well received. Like a loud fart during a first dinner date when the restaurant volume has dropped. Neither Jenas or Salahi received a second date.

Gylfi Sigurdsson-Dina Manzo (RHONJ)

A total blonde hair, blue eyed babe—this housewife generally took the backseat to all the other personalities around her. Not ones to steal the show, despite their ravishing good looks, Dina focused more on helping others look good. It worked in her favor, her charity flourished and she landed a show on HGTV—may this translate to her twin on the pitch.

Gareth Bale-Kandi Burress (RHOA)

The only real talent in the franchise, for sure. Kandi wrote “No Scrubs” and we sure as shit know Bale ain’t one. Even the harshest of critics cannot turn Kandi’s interviews into criticism—it only turns into critiquing those around her. Kandi is business savvy and knows how to bring home the bacon, probably the only housewife in the crew would be smart enough to patent heart hands.

Aaron Lennon-Heather Dubrow (RHOBH)

They fancy. Much like Azza’s champagne bottle double fisting the night before a game, Heather Du”brow” knows how to throw a party by the thousands. Of dollars. Like Aaron’s bar tab. Get it?

Clint Dempsey-Teresa Giudice (RHONJ)

That’s what’s up. Those intense eyes. Dempsey can flip the tables on his opponent if he so chooses, when he so chooses. Afterall, he’s our muff cabbage man.

Jermain Defoe-Vicki Gunvalson (RHOC)

Jermain Defoe, as you remember him! We all want Vicki to be “as we remember her”—fun loving, limited plastic surgery. Are those days over? Hard to tell. Age does get the best of everyone at some point, but you will always remember the good times. Committed to the cause until the very end, despite a shady dating history.

Emmanuel Adebayor-Brandi Glanville (RHOBH)

Love ‘em or hate ‘em (there’s no in between), these leggy kids know how to stir up controversy. You can now just imagine Brandi knee-sliding in front of Aresenal’s “fan” section saying “Shut the fuck up.”

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