Dispatches from #batcountry: £7m for Mario Gomez

Imagine this man in Lilywhite. ... Yeah, I know, I can't either. - Stuart Franklin

Spurs allegedly to bid £7m for Mario G... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no sorry I just can't

Dispatches from #batcountry is a daily series we run in the off-season where we find the craziest transfer and other rumors floating around the Intar Tubez and tell you why you'd be crazy to believe them. Why #batcountry? Because Cartilage-Free Captain author The Sleeper's Sleep wrote a brilliant article comparing the Silly Season™ with Hunter S. Thompson.

Folks, there's #batcountry and then there's #BATCOUNTRY. This story comes from the battiest corner of the battiest province of the whole of #batcountry. The Metro would have us believe that Tottenham Hotspur are set to bid for wantaway Bayern Munich striker Mario Gomez. On the surface, not so bad! Mario's being supplanted by Mario Götze and (possibly) Robert Lewandowski and is clearly surplus to requirements at Bayern.

But £7m? £70,000/week salary? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO! This is a guy who scored 42 goals in all competitions for Bayern in 2011-12! He's only 27! If Mario Gomez's agent is any better than a potted plant with a bow tie, he won't accept anything lower than a £15m transfer fee and £100,000/week in salary. Not to mention that were Gomez, one of the more prolific strikers in his generation, to head to Spurs, he'd be committing to moving from the champions of Europe to the Europa League. This is a guy who, despite a down year where he "only" scored 19 goals, could still play for any team in the world. Except apparently Bayern.

Let's be clear. This would be a fantastic get for Spurs. But no. Just no. It ain't happening. Absolute nonsense.

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