The Transfer Window: A Tottenham Hotspur Text Adventure

Julian Finney

Remember those awesome old text adventure games like Zork, Enchanter, and Planetfall? Turns out there's one for Tottenham Hotspur, too. Who knew?

THE TRANSFER WINDOW: A Cartilage-Free Captain Text Adventure
by Uncle Menno

It's hard life when you're a bald vampire ninja Jedi master and leader of an English football club, but you play with the cards you're given.

You've got a team to develop, a stadium to build, a rabid fan-base to appease, and a small transfer kitty. You are Daniel Levy, and you are Chairman of Tottenham Hotspur.

Outside White Hart Lane

You are standing in an open plaza west of White Hart Lane. The N17 expressway, jammed with traffic, is to the west.

A live chicken is strutting around the outside of White Hart Lane for some reason.

There is a phone booth here.

> i
(inventory)

You are carrying a flashlight, and a copy of Hotspur Magazine from December, 2011 ("Samba Santa!").

> examine phone booth

It looks a little like the TARDIS, but it's red. It appears to be welded shut.

> pick up the phone booth

You grunt with all your might and heave the phone booth onto your shoulders. Impressive feat, but it suddenly topples underneath your weight and falls on top of you, crushing you fatally. Geez! You never played much interactive fiction, did you? Don't you know what happens when you pick up a phone booth in a text adventure game?

*** You have died ***

In that game you scored 0 out of a possible 100, giving you the rank of Full Kit Wanker.

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, UNDO an action, or QUIT?

> undo

Zip! Whoosh! Time swishes backwards and reverses the actions of your previous turn, you bloody idiot.

> take chicken

You chase the chicken around the sidewalk for a while before finally cornering the creature. Taken.

*** Your score has gone up by 10 points. ***

> w

Speeding traffic blocks your path.

> e

White Hart Lane Lobby

You are in the administrative lobby of White Hart Lane, an expansive lobby with high ceilings, decorated in navy blue and lily-white. There are framed photos of Tottenham Hotspur legends on the walls. There are doors marked "Player Lounge" to the east, one marked "Pitch" to the north, and one marked "Administrative Offices" to the south. There is a sign on the door to the pitch. A wide exit to the west leads to the street. A staircase leads down into darkness.

Jermain Defoe is here.

> say "hello, jermain"

Jermain Defoe smiles. "'Lo, boss."

> take Jermain Defoe

Defoe looks affronted as you pick him up. "Oi!" he says.
Taken.

*** Your score has gone up by 10 points. ***

> n

The door to the pitch is locked. A sign on the door reads "Closed for maintenance."

> s

The door is locked. You realize, with dismay, that your administrative wing key is missing!

> d

You descend the stairs into darkness.

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by Luis Suarez.

> turn on flashlight

You flick on your flashlight.

Discarded Player Dungeon

You are in a dungeon deep within the bowels of White Hart Lane. There are numerous cells here, ostensibly for players who have fallen from your favor or the favor of Tottenham Hotspur managers. A dark passage leads to the south. Machine-like sounds are coming from the passage.

You feel uneasy, almost as if there's a sense of malevolence permeating the very fabric of the space.

Chirpy is here.

> examine cells

You shine your flashlight on the various cells. The cells are all empty. Several appear to have names carved above them, including "Giovanni Dos Santos," "David Bentley," and "Sergei Rebrov."

You look around. Chirpy appears to have suddenly gotten closer to you! That's funny, you didn't hear him moving.

The sense of malevolence has gotten stronger.

> open cells

The cells are locked.

You turn around, and Chirpy is standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU. The light from the flashlight enhances the terrifying visage of the Spurs mascot, and the air feels thick with evil. Chirpy's gaze is unwavering as he cocks his head slightly and stares directly into your eyes.

> scream

You scream. AIIIIIUUUUUUUAAAAAAGHHH!!

With one motion of his feathered wing, Chirpy grabs you by the neck and twists your head off. As the life leaves your body, you can just make out one faint, but clearly distinguishable word:

"SOON."

*** You have died. ***

In that game you scored 20 out of a possible 100, giving you the rank of Gomes' Flappy Hands.

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, UNDO an action, or QUIT?

> undo
Zip! Whoosh! Time swishes backwards and reverses the actions of your previous turn, you bloody idiot.

> run south
You flee to to the south and through the door, just narrowly missing the wing of Chirpy as he attempts to cut off your head. Whew! That was close!

"You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike."


#batcountry

You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike.
A sign on the wall reads "Nani set for £10m Spurs move?"

> n

#batcountry

You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike.
A sign on the wall reads "Spurs to place SHOCK £15 BID for Christian Eriksen!."

There is a large rock here.

> look under rock
With a great effort, you turn over the rock. You find nothing.

> e

#batcountry

You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike.
A sign on the wall reads "Liverpool tracking Aaron Lennon as Downing replacement."

There is another large rock here.

> look under rock

With a great effort, you turn over the rock. You find Fernando Torres.

> push rock back

You return the rock to its original location. As you do, you hear Torres shout "¡Espera! ¡ESPERA! I can still score!"

> n

#batcountry

You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike.
A sign on the wall reads "Bale to hand in transfer request after training row with AVB"

There is another large rock here.

> look under rock

With a great effort, you turn over the rock. You find Romelu Lukaku.

> take Lukaku

Lukaku growls at you with distaste.
Taken.

*** Your score has gone up by 10 points ***

> w

#batcountry

You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike.
A sign on the wall reads "Spurs line up Sam Allardyce for next manager after AVB-Levy relationship sours"

> w

#batcountry

You are in a maze of twisty transfer rumors, all alike.
A sign on the wall reads "Spurs' £45m bid for Leandro Damiao rejected by Internacional."

There is a ladder here, leading up.

> u

Tottenham Hotspur Cloning Facility

You are in a large room with only one exit to the east. In the middle of the room is a large machine dominated by two sealed, vertical cylinders with doors. Complicated machinery behind the cylinders are emitting thrumming noises and emitting steam. A control panel connects the two cylinders. There is a passage to the north, and a ladder leading up to a hatchway in the ceiling and down to a dark cavern through the floor.

Kyle Walker is here, looking at the machine. He appears to be waiting for something.

> greet Kyle

Kyle murmurs a greeting, his eyes fixed on the machine.

> examine control panel

The control panel is dotted with gauges, lights, and buttons and looks very complicated. Dominating the panel is a large dial with various settings set along its edge, and a big red button marked "EXECUTE."

> examine dial

The dial has several settings: "Exact Duplicate," "Younger Duplicate," "Primary Characteristics Only," and "THE."

The thrumming increases to a fever pitch. Suddenly, the cylinders open with a giant hiss of acrid green smoke. Two figures emerge from the tanks -- one of them is Gareth Bale, and the other appears to be a slightly younger version of Gareth Bale. The two look like identical twins and are impossible to tell apart.

> z

(wait) Time passes...

The two Gareth Bales high-five each other. Kyle Walker grins at them, then walks to the left-hand cylinder and closes the door. The machine begins to thrum again.

> talk to Gareth Bale

Which Gareth Bale do you mean? The older Gareth Bale or the younger Gareth Bale?

> older

The older Gareth Bale grins at you, gives a head-nod to the other Gareth Bale, puts his finger to his lips and says "Shhhhhhhhh."

The cloning machine thrums louder.

> z

Time passes...

The older Gareth Bale turns to the younger one and says, "I shall call you Kenny McEvoy."

The thrumming increases to a fever pitch. Suddenly, the cylinders open with a giant hiss of acrid green smoke. Two figures emerge from the tanks -- one of them is Kyle Walker, and the other is Kyle Walker-Peters.

> open left tank

Opened.

> put Romelu Lukaku and Jermain Defoe in left tank

You put Romelu Lukaku and Jermain Defoe inside the tank.
Jermain Defoe looks puzzled. Romelu Lukaku scowls at you.

> close tank

Closed.
The Kyle Walkers and Gareth Bales discuss football.

> turn dial to "THE"

You turn the dial to "THE."

> push red button

The machine begins to thrum and the cylinders fill with green smoke.

> z

Time passes...

The thrumming increases to a fever pitch. Suddenly, the cylinders open with a giant hiss of acrid green smoke. Romelu Lukaku and Jermain Defoe stumble out of the left side tank, looking dazed. Christian Benteke emerges from the right hand tank.

*** Your score has gone up by 10 points. ***

> score

Your score is 30 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you the rank of Irving Scholar.

> take Benteke and Defoe

Taken.
Romelu Lukaku quickly looks around, flips you the bird, and dashes out of the room.

> sign Benteke

You can't do that here.

> u

You climb the ladder and pass through the hatch.

Tottenham Hotspur Player Lounge

You are in a large lounge where Tottenham Hotspur players can relax and unwind after training. The room is full of comfy couches, and large-screen televisions. There are table tennis, pool, and air-hockey tables scattered throughout the space. In the exact center of the room is a large foosball table.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto is here, playing foosball by himself.

> say "Hi, Benny"

Benny looks up at you, smiles, and says "LOL."

> examine Benny

Benny's wearing his hair as an afro today. He appears to have a key hanging from a chain around his neck.

> examine key

You look closely at the key. Why, that's your missing administrative wing key!

> ask Benny for key

Benny shakes his head, then points at the foosball table. "LOL."

> play foosball with Benny

You walk up to the foosball table and take your place across from Assou-Ekotto. Benny puts the ball on the table and you begin. You and Benny are fairly evenly matched, but Benny seems to be just a little bit better. Back and forth you battle, the two of you alternating points. But your foosball skills aren't quite enough to beat him. The final ball rolls past your keeper and you lose the game 10-9.

Benny grins at you, then nods his head at the table again. "LOL?"

> Say "xyzzy"

A hollow voice says "LOL!" Benny gives you a high five.

> put chicken under table

You put the chicken under the foosball table. Benny doesn't seem to notice.

> play foosball with Benny

You walk up to the foosball table and take your place across from Assou-Ekotto. Benny puts the ball on the table and you begin. You and Benny are fairly evenly matched, but Benny seems to be just a little bit better. Back and forth you battle, the two of you alternating points.

Suddenly, the chicken wanders out from under the foosball table! Benny catches sight of the chicken out of the corner of his eye, licks his lips, lets go of the table, and with a hearty "LOOOOOL!" tears off after the chicken. As he wrestles the chicken into captivity, you cooly slot the winning ball into the goal.

Assou-Ekotto grins at you, holding the chicken, then takes off the chain with the key and hands it to you. "LOL," he says, then walks off toward the kitchens.

*** Your score has gone up by 20 points. ***

> score

Your score is 50 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you the rank of Alan Sugar.

> e

"It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by Luis Suarez."


You pass through the doorway (which only opens on this side).

White Hart Lane Lobby

> unlock door

What do you want to unlock the door with?

> key

You unlock the Administrative Wing door with your key.

> s

Administrative Hallway

You are in a long hallway inside the White Hart Lane administrative wing. There is a closed door to the west. A sign on the door reads "Daniel Levy -- Chairman"

John Terry is here.

>examine John Terry

John Terry looks like a cross between Charlie Adam and Kevin Spacey. He is wearing a full Chelsea football kit and is holding a copy of the Europa League and Champions League trophies.

> w

John Terry insults your heritage and blocks your way.

> move John Terry

John Terry insults your heritage and blocks your way.

>insult John Terry

John Terry gives you the double-wanker sign, but doesn't move away from the door.

> insult Rio Ferdinand

John Terry gives you a thumbs-up, but doesn't move away from the door.

> hit John Terry

John Terry looks affronted and angry. OW! He kneed you in the back, the bastard!
You are bruised.

> call UEFA

You whip out your cell phone (did you know you had a cell phone?) and call UEFA. Pierluigi Collina and four burly UEFA officials come bustling out of a side corridor. Collina shows John Terry a red card whilst the officials hog-tie him and carry him out of the building, leaving the way clear.

*** Your score has gone up by 10 points ***

An Iberian man wearing a charcoal suit and holding a cell phone wanders in from the west. He is speaking rapid Spanish into his cell phone

The Iberian man asks you something about Gareth Bale in Spanish.

> ignore Iberian man

The Iberian man will not be ignored.

The Iberian man asks you again about Gareth Bale in Spanish. He seems to be holding a very large bag of gold.

> i
(inventory)

You are holding a flashlight, a key on a silver chain, a copy of Hotspur Magazine from December 2011 ("Samba Santa!"), Christan Benteke, and Jermain Defoe.

> give Jermain Defoe to the Iberian man

The Iberian man sneers at Jermain Defoe and hands him back to you.
The Iberian man asks you again about Gareth Bale in Spanish. He attempts to shove the bag of gold into your hands.

> in

You head into your office. The Iberian man calls after you.

Office of Daniel Levy

You are in your office, a large room with picture windows that command a striking view of the White Hart Lane pitch.

A giant wooden desk is in the center of the room. The desk is empty.
Sitting in the exact middle of the desk, there is a fax/phone machine.
Gareth Bale is here.

The Iberian man wanders into the office. He is accompanied by a MARCA TV crew.
The Iberian man's eyes light up when he sees Gareth Bale in the room. He grows suddenly more animated.
The Iberian man again tries to give you the bag of gold while saying something about Gareth Bale in Spanish.

> ignore Iberian man

The Iberian man will not be ignored. The MARCA TV crew begins filming.
The Iberian man looks at Gareth Bale appraisingly.

> sell Gareth Bale

Gareth Bale looks at you with a strange combination of fear, worry, and anticipation.

Are you sure you want to do this? (Y / N)

> yes

Gareth Bale waves a sad farewell, then disappears from the office in a puff of smoke and a blast of habañera music.

The Iberian man high-fives the MARCA TV crew and hands you the bag of gold.
85,000,000 gold pieces have been added to your inventory.

*** Your score has gone DOWN by 50 points. ***

> undo

Are you sure you wish to do this? (Y / N)

> Y

Zip! Whoosh! Time swishes backwards and reverses the actions of your previous turn, you bloody idiot.

> kick out iberian man

You forcibly shove the Iberian man out of your office. The MARCA film crew follows him. He protests loudly, then bangs on the door trying to get back in.

> pick up phone

You pick up the fax machine phone.

> call security

You call White Hart Lane security. Moments later, you can hear sounds of screeching in Spanish as the Iberian man and his MARCA retinue are forcibly ejected from White Hart Lane.

Gareth Bale smiles and gives you the thumbs up before leaving the room.

*** Your score has gone up by 20 points. ***

> sign Benteke

You whip up a contract, which Benteke quickly signs. You put the contract into the fax machine and hit the "SEND" button. A short time later, a return comes through: it is successful!

*** Your score has gone up by 10 points. ***

You did it! You have finally signed THE striker, and ensured that your club will remain competitive for the coming EPL season. Basking in the glow of your success, you look out over the pitch of White Hart Lane and smile the contented smile of one who has emerged victorious over all trials.

*** YOU HAVE WON. ***

Your final score is 100 points out of a possible 100 points, giving you the rank of Freakin' Ninja Jedi.

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE from a previous position, or QUIT?

> QUIT

Thanks for playing!

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