Tottenham Hotspur spirals towards relegation en route to eventual liquidiation, probably

Jessica Hromas

There used to be a football club here. Now everything is collapsing and everything's awful.

Tottenham Hotspur ended the 2011/2012 season in fourth place and about to participate in the only football competition in the world that actually matters--the Champions League. But Spurs never got to go to the Champions League and finally become a real football club, because an FA conspiracy spear-headed by Roman Abramovich made up a rule that said Spurs owner Joe Lewis was required to publicly admit that Roman's yacht is "totally more awesome" than his. But more importantly, it also said "even if Spurs finish fourth Chelsea gets to play in the Champions League anyway and Spurs don't so neener-neener-neener." But this incredibly specific and frankly childish clause was only the beginning of the end for our beloved Tottenham.

Daniel Levy, the bald vampire who calls himself a football chairman but actually just sucks the hope out of Spurs fans around the globe, responded to the news by firing the cockney Messiah who rescued the team from relegation only a few seasons earlier. Now Harry Redknapp finally had a reason to look like Droopy Dog and it was because Levy made him so sad and not at all because he was a lovable cartoon mutt. Also, it turns out Levy knew that the same clause that kept the Hotspurs out of the Only Competition that Matters also meant that Spurs had to hire Chelsea's laughingstock of an ex-manager, Andre Villain-Boas, to replace our former savior. And he knew that would make all the fans super pissed off.

Andre Villain-Boas, or AVG as he's called because he's so average, immediately came in and starting dismantling the squad Harry Redknapp had worked so carefully to build. Luka Modric was shipped off to Real Madrid even though he was desperate to stay and play for us for the rest of his career but AVG didn't even care. When Rafael van der Vaart spoke out against this treatment, AVG got super mad and made him go to Germany and live with his wife.

Now it's a year later and the team has massively regressed from Champions League contenders to fifth place also-rans. AVG's signings last summer were a mixed bag of terrible from awful EPL teams like Fulham and Swansea (like so bad that even Liverpool wanted to buy them) or players from as far away as other countries who never even played in the Best League in the World. This summer has been no different.

AVG first brought in Paulinho, which apparently translates to "Little Paul" which is weird because he is like the most average-sized person ever. He's supposed to be Brazilian but nobody in Brazil would have a stupid name like Paul because they're supposed to be named cool names like Garrincha and Pele and Hulk and Fred. And even if he is Brazilian, AVG could have at least tried to find Big Paul who's probably a lot better or at least bigger.

Then he tried to trick us by signing a Belgian because everybody thinks Belgiums are awesome now, but he got like one of the worst Belgiums out there. Everybody wanted Benteke but AVG wouldn't hear of it. So instead of getting good Belgiums like Lukaku and Hazard that Chelsea have, AVG got one from a team called 20 because they're the 20th best team in Holland, so you know how good this Belgium must be.

And speaking of Benteke, don't get me started on how many strikers Levy and AVG have refused to buy. Leandro Damiao has been begging Spurs to sign him for years but Levy refuses to write a check. He says it's because Internacional keep changing the price on him at the last second but if that's such a big deal then just leave the price part on the check blank and Internacional can just fill it in later when they decide. David Villa wanted to come to the Hotspurs too but instead he had to go to Athletico Madrid (not even the good Madrid) because Levy was too cheap. They say we can't even get Roberto Soldierdado who's really old and would only cost like two David Bentleys all because Levy hates making the team better.

Oh and guess what? Gareth Bale while he was on a plane to Hong Kong had a meeting with Levy about how much he wanted to go hang out with his best friend Luka Modric in Real Madrid. He's still mad that Levy made Modric leave and now he wants to leave too but Levy won't contact Madrid not even for a 100 million eurodollars and directions to Diagon Alley. Reportedly Bale is still rolling around the floor of Levy's office after Levy failed to make contact. It's only a matter of time before Levy sells the best player the Hotspurs have ever had and all we're left with is a giant grocery store that they claim is something to do with a new stadium but how can you even play football in a grocery store?

Bad Belgiums, fake Brazilians and selling our best player. All in a day's work for AVG who I didn't even mention hates all of our best players like Tom Carroll and instead makes Scott Parker play every week even though the poor old man clearly has brain damage but AVG doesn't even care. Rumors are also flying that AVG has been seen viewing extensive hours of Stoke City footage while muttering to himself and scribbling "it's just so damn beautiful" on his notepad. It's only a matter of time before we get relegated and then relegated some more and eventually administrated and given a winding up order and that's that. RIP Tottenham Hotspurs.

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