Spurs scout Liverpool scouts for Christian Atsu

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Cue Liverpool fans crawling out of their caves, squinting into the harsh glare of natural light, and bellowing to the heavens about Spurs' not having their own scouts. Let the gazumping commence!

Daniel Levy's stealthy cadre of scout scouts have scouted Liverpool's scouts in Portugal for most of the summer, but have been thus far unable to determine who exactly Spurs were meant to be interested in. The scout scouts have been milling about Portugal, anxiously waiting to get a sneaky look at a Liverpudlian clipboard. Could it be Eliaquim Mangala to replace the departed Steven Caulker? Or could it be Alex Sandro for our new dynamite left back?

Today Sky Sports has revealed that Spurs' scout scouts have finally manage to identify their target when Liverpool's chief scout popped off to the car park to nick a few unattended hubcaps and accidentally left his clipboard behind. Sky Sports understands the words "Krischin Achoo" were scrawled across the top page in bright red crayon alongside a doodle of what appeared to be a race car.

Spurs' scout scouts have taken this information back to White Hart Lane's state-of-the-art rescouting lab for further analysis. Sky Sports spoke with one of Tottenham's rescouting technicians, who has identified that our new prime target is Liverpool target Christian Atsu.

"This one was fairly tricky and we're all right proud of our work here at the lab. We eventually deduced that the race car meant the bloke we were after was probably a bit speedy," said the rescouting technician who doesn't actually exist preferred to remain anonymous even though he's totally real.

"Unfortunately, our scout scouts aren't equipped to identify basic player attributes like speed, strength, size, or footballing abillity, so we still had to decipher what the name meant. Lucky for us it wasn't as hard as last year when we were faced with 'Gloorfy Zyggrzdsdn,' that one was a real nightmare. But it looks like we've cracked this one and I think Liverpool may have led us to another real gem."

After playing several games of football manager, Sky Sports understand the mysterious "Christian Atsu" is actually a 21 year-old Ghanaian left winger who is entering the last year of his contract with the defending Portuguese champions. He's a pacy touch-line hugger with good close control and technique, but is not well-suited to playing an inverted role at this stage in his career.

Spurs last year enjoyed playing Lennon as a more traditional winger on the right with the other winger coming inside, and it could be Spurs' have found their Lennon of the left. Atsu is rumored to be available for as little as £1m and would be great value for the London side.

Sky Sports also understands this means with 100% certainty that Gareth Bale is leaving for his spiritual home of Real Madrid and also that he hates AVB, Spurs, and his family. Also, puppies. Probably.

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