If you missed the post that we put up after the Crystal Palace game, we're doing player ratings after every game to certain themes this season. That game's theme was seasons of The Wire. Almost all of you overrate Season 4, while all of you that are white men from the Eastern seaboard of the United States overrate Season 2.
For Tottenham Hotspur's Europa League game against Dinamo Tbilisi, player ratings are done to the theme of ... pizza toppings!
5 stars - Pepperoni or similar meats
I don't want to hear your nonsense about how real adults put salami or prosciutto on their pizza instead of pepperoni. I wanted to rank five entirely different kinds of toppings, so this is one category. Apologies to those who dislike meat or are unable to eat it for health reasons.
Andros Townsend - The biggest no-brainer of them all. Absolutely unstoppable. His goal came on a great individual effort and he had two very different kinds of assists. His exchanges with Naughton were lovely. He tracked back on defense. It was stunning to watch.
Kyle Naughton - He hit out at the haters big time. Other Kyle turned in a basically flawless defensive performance and was key in setting up the first two goals, both winning the ball back from Dinamo and making a very good pass afterwards to start the attacks.
Roberto Soldado - Two goals and both of them came on great finishes. His movement around the box is extremely intelligent and we're not going to regret spending £26m on him for a second.
Etienne Capoue - His positioning is fantastic and he doesn't give the ball away. He's such a massive improvement over Tom Huddlestone, Jake Livermore and Scott Parker in the "Rotational DM/late-game sub to kill the game off" role.
Hugo Lloris - Flawless as always.
4 stars - Bell peppers and onions
What, you don't like vegetables on your pizza? Well piss off, because peppers and onions are better at tasting good on pizza than you'll ever be at anything.
Danny Rose - He got a dumb card and I still don't think he looks entirely comfortable in his role in the team, but he had some good crosses and didn't make any glaring defensive errors. Also, DAT GOAL.
Michael Dawson - Did we keep a clean sheet? Yep. Did he make any huge errors? Nope. I didn't see anything spectacular from him, but a clean sheet and no big errors means I can't really put him lower.
Younes Kaboul - Ditto. Also, GUYS KABULL IN A CHINA SHOP WENT 90 WHEEEEEE!
3 stars - Italian sausage
So meh. I've never argued with anyone who really wanted to get sausage on their pizza, but I've never ordered it for myself either.
Nacer Chadli - He might deserve to be in the higher category on account of his assist, but it came when the game was out of reach and he didn't do much else. It was nice to see him switch it up and cross on his left instead of cutting inside, though.
Paulinho - Same deal as the Palace game. Some very good flashes (including the goal), but just as many bad decisions and giveaways. I'm very sure that he will cut this stuff out of his game and settle in nicely.
Mousa Dembele - I really thought that Capoue's presence in the midfield meant that he was going to have all kinds of freedom and make the most of that freedom with driving runs forward. I thought he was going to create all kinds of chances. Instead, he kind of just disappeared.
Tom Carroll and Harry Kane - Neither made any kind of serious impact on the game in their 20 minutes, nor did either make any mistakes. Kane looked the more promising and dangerous of the two and had one nice chance.
2 stars - Pineapple
When paired with ham, the right sauce and the right crust, it's not absolutely revolting. Even then, it still kind of sucks. I don't get people who like Hawaiian pizza.
Gylfi Sigurdsson - I want to love Gylfi. I really do. He has all of the talent in the world and shows flashes of brilliance for us. He even has 2-3 very good games in a row for us occasionally. But more often, he's disappointing. He was disappointing in this game and he was disappointing against Palace. He killed multiple attacks by himself. I just want him to be good so badly. I'm sad.
1 star - Olives
Who the hell are all of you people who like olives? So many people like olives and they all taste like absolute booty. All varieties, on all foods or by themselves, paired with literally anything. Olives are trash. Fuck olives.
None of our players are as shitty as olives.