Don't 4-0 wins feel good? I think that 4-0 wins feel good. Tottenham Hotspur beat Aston Villa 4-0 in the League Cup on Tuesday, so we're going to be pretty generous with our player ratings. Today, ratings are done to the theme of ... breakfast cereal mascots!
5 stars - Tony the Tiger
All Tony the Tiger wants to do is play with you and tell you about how awesome Frosted Flakes are. He's a giving Tiger and he endorses the heck out of his product. He also has a fantastic, but simple catchphrase. Flawless.
Lewis Holtby - Three assists! Three! Eat it, Mesut Özil!
Jermain Defoe - His brace was obviously great, but for me, the highlight of his day was his assist to Nacer Chadli.
4 stars - Count Chocula
Also gets points for simply wanting kids to try his delicious cereal. His castle from the 90s/early 2000s is baller shit. However, vampires are inherently less cool than tigers.
Brad Friedel - No huge saves, but no mistakes either.
Kyle Walker - Recovered nicely from whatever knock he picked up. Completely shut down his flank.
Jan Vertonghen - A couple of shaky moments, but it was mostly a standard Johnny Verts performance.
Paulinho - He seems to be figuring out what his role should be in his midfield and making fewer mistakes in the final third. Then again, Villa played a B-team. Also, he had a nice goal.
Sandro - A three-star first half and a five-star second half evens out to this.
Erik Lamela - His movement off the ball was spectacular. It didn't seem like Holtby and Defoe knew how to play with him, though.
Nacer Chadli - He scored a goal!
3 stars - Cap'n Crunch
A thoroughly mediocre mascot for a thoroughly mediocre cereal.
Zeki Fryers - He was fine, though he got skinned by Marc Albrighton on a couple of occasions. I'm still not sure he's ever going to fulfill his potential and become a first team regular, but I won't be terrified if we have to play him in a real game. He's looking like a qualified backup these days.
Harry Kane - Did nothing of note and nothing horrible. Most of his first half was shaky. He didn't appear to have the same confidence that he does in U-21 games for Spurs and England. It's Villa's reserves, dude! You're good enough for this!
Mousa Dembele - Had a perfectly decent cameo.
Michael Dawson - Ditto.
2 stars - Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
Come on! Just one Cocoa Puff! Just one! Pleaaaaaase! I'll do anything! I'll su-
Vlad Chiriches - I'm not burying him. I don't think he stinks. He'll turn into a good signing. But this was not a good performance from him. He was extremely shaky. I have faith that he'll come good.
1 star - Lucky the Leprechaun
He's a paranoid schizophrenic who refuses to let anyone try his cereal. Need I say more?
None of our players suck as much as Lucky the Leprechaun.