Tottenham vs. Chelsea: player ratings to the theme of Top Chef winners

Debby Wong-USA TODAY Sports

Because reality cooking shows are EXACTLY like football.

Well, a 1-1 draw against Chelsea isn't the worst thing that could happen, but there was a lot that could've gone better than what it did. And seriously, didn't we all deep down think that a draw was the most likely result in a game that had this much #narrative? Well, I did. Today, in commemoration of the new season of Top Chef that kicks off this week, Uncle Menno pinch hits for our fearless leader Kevin McCauley in player ratings to the theme of Top Chef winners.

Five Stars: Richard Blais

Yes, I know he's a Gooner. I KNOW. He's also the best damn chef that show has ever seen, and he was friendly to boot. He got jobbed in his first stint on the show, losing to Stephanie Izard in the final, only to come back in Top Chef All-Stars and kick everyone's ass. I would watch Richard Blais boil water.

Mousa Dembélé – Mousa was all over the pitch in this match, making completing 89% of his passes and dictating play in that monster of a first half. He was easily the best player Spurs had on the pitch.

Four Stars: Harold Dieterle

The first Top Chef winner, and one of the best, Harold was clearly the cream of the crop in a season that featured a strong runner-up in Tiffani Faison. I liked his attitude, too - head down, cook your damn food, stay out of the drama.

Christian Eriksen – A really nice outing from the Danish midfielder who set up Siggy's goal beautifully. Got marked out of the match after halftime, but his first half performance puts him here.

Gylfi Sigurdsson – Another impressive match from Siggy, who keeps getting himself in to the perfect position to score goals. Sure, he was noticeably poorer in the second half once Mata came in, but who wasn't?

Hugo Lloris – God, I love this man. Without him between the sticks, we would've lost this match.

Andros Townsend – Say what you will about his shot selection, but his pace and directness put Chelsea to the sword in that first half. He also showed that he's willing to pass the ball and work his teammates into the action. A very good game from Andros.

Three Stars: Hung Huynh

Everything about Hung's performance on Top Chef screams "Meh." He did just enough to win, but does anyone think he was really better than Dale?

Jan Vertonghen – Defensively, Jan was fine. Probably better than fine. I'm dropping him here because Jan was an idiot to get into those tussles with Fernando Torres, and he really should've seen red in that match as well.

Michael Dawson – O Captain, our Captain put out another decent defensive effort, but I'd still rather see a healthy Kaboul in his place.

Roberto Soldado – A rather anonymous outing from our star striker signing who still hasn't broken his duck in league play.

Nacer Chadli – I know Nacer was put in for defensive purposes, and he wasn't bad for his first game in a while. But I wanted more from him.

Kyle Walker – A strangely derpy outing from one of our best players in recent matches. And to think I defended his football intelligence on this very site recently, too!

Paulinho – Meh.

Lewis Holtby – Was inserted late for Eriksen and didn't really make much of an impact at a time when we really could've used his creativity to move that blue bus in front of goal.

Jermain Defoe – Had one nice underpowered shot on one of his trademark diagonal runs into the box, otherwise he wasn't really a factor.

Two Stars: Michael Voltaggio

Yes, he's a brilliant chef and a deserved winner, but the dude's a giant assclown. I like his brother much better.

Kyle Naughton – Okay, he wasn't great on Saturday. He was serviceable at best, but he's also our backup right back playing out of position because we let Benoit Assou-Ekotto go FRAABbin' with Harry. The alternative was to put Jan out left and sub in an unready Vlad Chiriches in a huge match, which would've been much, much worse. So I ain't even mad. But he wasn't what I would call "good."

One Star: Hosea Rosenberg

Uggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Top Chef, y u do dis?

None of our players were nearly as bad as Hosea Rosenberg. The judges knew it too – you could just barely see the grimace of distaste on Tom Colicchio's mouth after the announcement.

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