As someone that greatly missed the player rankings, I'm gonna throw my hat into the ring as a rogue author.
The game wasn't pretty in some ways, downright awful in most others, and terrifying in too many. We had two good moments, a couple decent ones, and the rest of the match was cover-your-eyes scary. However, there were some individuals that stood out.
I remember being a kid in the MTV days and watching/listening to music back when they actually played, you know, music videos. Some of my favorite music still is the grunge rock from the early 90s that can actively make me smile on a regular basis or cringe depending on how high the band is for that live album. Normally, I avoid two subjects on this site: music and television, but I'm making an exception for this column. So, before we get started, this is an open invite to COME AT ME, BROS AND BRIXTON!
5 - SOUNDGARDEN
I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Soundgarden. "Blow Up The Outside" was the first video I can remember seeing on MTV, and "Black Hole Sun" is a pretty active metaphor for how soulcrushing yesterday was.
Christian Eriksen - Giving any of our players a 5-star rating after a 5-1 defeat can be seen as a little ambitious, but if there's anyone that deserves it, its our favorite Dane. He continues to grow into his role under Tim Sherwood, playing great set piece balls into dangerous areas and distributing well out of midfield.
4 - NIRVANA
The seminal band of a generation, Nirvana still defines the Seattle grunge scene with hits like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Heart Shaped Box." One peg below Soundgarden due mainly to the personal feelings.
Kyle Walker - Not really at fault for any of the goals, continues to bust his ass up and down the touchline, and even had a nifty touch or two to set up things going forward. Still can get lost up the pitch at a bad moment, but has the recovery speed to get back.
Hugo Lloris - There's only so much a keeper can do when he's continually under siege, and a time-bending save aside, Lloris did fairly well given the circumstances. The only goal I could see him doing any better on was Sergio Aguero's, possibly getting a little closer to the defense before David Silva played through.
3 - PEARL JAM
As much as I still like listening to "Even Flow" and "Betterman," I can't rank them any higher than this. The music is still solid, but this is a band that could benefit from a break up and a couple of Lamborghini crashes to freshen things up.
Etienne Capoue - Really helped steady things aside from the build up to the PK, scored a goal to bring the momentum back, momentarily, and is a solid holding midfielder the team needed for the full 90 yesterday. Get's docked for the aforementioned play as well as being a little to slow to keep up in the midfield.
Mousa Dembele - Had a solid first half, got under Yaya Toure's skin, and was starting to come into the game before being subbed off for injury. Still needs to work a little harder on defense while playing from a deep midfield position.
Emmanuel Adebayor - It's tough to ping him too much for his lack up involvement in the offense when the ball rarely gets up to him, but I was quite pleased with his hard work and hold up play in the first half. His first touch still resembles a brick wall, but he has done quite well to reestablish himself in the starting lineup.
Michael Dawson - I don't quite know where I fall in the Start-Him-or-Bench-Him argument, but I feel like he's been playing quite well of late. No, he doesn't have the pace to keep up with a player like Aguero or Luis Suarez, but he's usually in solid position and marshals the defense well. Only really at fault for one goal, in my opinion.
2 - STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
A horribly inconsistent band with only one or two well known songs better known for Scott Weiland's massive drug habit than quality records. Higher than 1 only due to the quality of the "Lady Picture Show" video.
Danny Rose - Whether or not it was a PK or a red card is immaterial here due to the fact that his defensive positioning was out of sorts on both the tackle as well as earlier on when he was getting beat by Aguero. He's pacy enough to recover as well as a hard worker, but he doesn't seem to have the defensive acumen for a top-4 side.
Vlad Chiriches - He was a little hard done on the Stevan Jovetic goal, but he was largely to blame for 3 of the goals. He is a great cover center back, but against a team as pacy as Manchester City, his weaknesses were glaring.
Aaron Lennon - I feel like Lennon was the most invisible player on the pitch for Spurs. The fact that he played the full 90 was a surprise in and of itself, but he will continue to get minutes due to his pace and work rate, but needs to be a more reliable shooter cutting in on the wing.
Kyle Naughton - Continues to not be a left back playing out of desperation. Was not at fault for either goal once he came in, but is not a solid enough player to be continuously relied on to be a fill in.
Gylfi Sigurdsson - Working hard playing out of position, and will benefit from increased game play, but seemed a step slow for most of the game. Was subbed off due to necessity for defensive cover, but could easily have been left out due to ineffectiveness.
Nabil Bentaleb - Obviously Tim Sherwood thinks that he's capable of playing consistent minutes in the Premier League, but solid contributions against Crystal Palace are a long way off from hanging with Manchester City. Was frequently out of position, and gave away too much possession in the first half.
1 - SMASHING PUMPKINS
Smashing Pumpkins were Emo before Emo was a Thing. Their music largely consisted of Billy Corgan incessantly whining about not having hair or attempting to be artsy but just coming off as scrambled. When your best album is entitled as "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" you have a pretty good idea what you're going to get.
Despite the bad performance, nobody was as bad as "Tonight, Tonight."