FanPost

The Benny #Conspuracy

It seems he's moved on from lawnmowers...

Think back. No, further back. Right back. No, left back. Think all the way back to when Benoit Pierre David Assou-Ekotto was still of a tender twenty-two years and garnered the same levels of praise that Serge Aurier has received recently. He was #hawtstuff, he was #shiny, he was #new, he was #HairBlessed. Tottenham signed him. He was brought in, it seemed, to compete with Lee, our South Korean left back. Before long, however, blinding performances from Benny anchored him into the (albeit preseason) first team. His injury derailed him, however, and he only played two games ahead of Lee over the next eighteen months.

'Arry revived him. He was given regular first team football and after a short time was held in high, high regard. In the '09 League Cup, he had Cristiano Ronaldo in his back pocket. The next season, he blasted one in against Liverpool from twenty yards. However, unforeseen circumstances blew him out of his place. Those particular unforeseen circumstances were known as Gareth Bale, alias The Chosen One, alias The Subject Of The Greatest #Levy'd Of All Time.

Fortunately for dear, dear Benoit, Harry moved Bale to the wing and the rest is history.

Now, there are other details--the cosmic blast against Everton from thirty-five yards being the most memorable of the lot. However, that cosmic blast was the beginning of the end of the cosmic symphony that was Benny's good form. For almost two years he would occasionally play well but was as rickety as an old Ferris Wheel. He dropped off completely and found himself at QPR.

So, where is he now?

Some say that he is the mysterious puppeteer who conducts Chirpy's every move; others say he's the opposite, the slave and resident bootlicker of Chirpthulu. Recent photos have emerged suggesting that 'the bae' is now the groundskeeper of White Hart Lane and some drunken member of the CFC commentariat suggested that he was "a legendary outlaw, man".

Recently posted to his Facebook page, the newest piece of Benny's puzzle has emerged. It shows him in some sort of barn-thing with a number of sheep, one of whom is black. A black sheep. Fitting. Benny has evidently shuffled off his athletic coil and is now a mere shepherd at the stereotypical English Sherwood Manor, located in western Yorkshire.

Or is that what we're supposed to think?

Wake up, people. Or, exceedingly fittingly, sheeple.

Do you see his hands? Do you see that he holds up three fingers in each hand? 3+3 = 6. Three sixes in a row = 666. Assou-Ekotto is the harbinger of Satan.

Satan is the Devil.

United are the Red Devils.

You may think I'm crazy, but wait until United put in a £666 BID FOR HIM.

January's coming, Spursland.

Alternatively, he could be celebrating a Muslim holiday.

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