Sol Campbell is still the absolute worst

Hagen Hopkins

His new autobiography is worse/better than we could have ever imagined.

Hey everybody, remember how our favorite homegrown piece of trash was putting out an autobiography? Like all of you I assumed it would be a self serving, stinking, pile of crap. And it looks like it is. What we didn't anticipate was the literary approach he would bring to it. Fortunately for us, Daniel Harris at the Guardian has provided a sneak peek.

That's third person, present tense. In an autobiography. That's uh-mazing. How did this happen? Did Sol not have enough pieces of silver left over to pay his ghost writer to convert this to the first person? Is he writing a fictional version of Arsene Wenger's diary ABOUT Sol Campbell? Is he trying to make his life into a John Green YA novel ("The Fault in our Loyalty")? Wait. wait. wait. Hold on. What if this is how Sol actually thinks? What if this is what is going on in his brain ALL THE TIME. Oh my god, that explains so much.

"His wife calls him again. It annoys him. Can't she remember he's eating his fifth bacon cheeseburger of the day? It's important, but she doesn't realize that. Has she changed? No, she's stayed the same, but he's grown and changed. Digesting his meal he decided he wanted to see his mistress. She makes the best cookies. And he could get a curry on the way. But he didn't want to take the underground. He decided to call his wife and ask if she would drive him to his mistress' house. He thought this was a great idea."

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