In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary,
Cartilage Free Captain 55thVin will preview each opponent Liiiiiiiiiiiiverpooooooool before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
Welcome to Anfield! Enjoy your stay (which unfortunately for your hubcaps, will be permanent).
Liverpool are a great football club, the best, really...at telling themselves that they are the best. But even Mark Lawrenson's predictions can't save you all from yourselves anymore, you suck and you're getting relegated.
Provided below is a rudimentary outline of how you will go from the title race to Premiership banishment in a paltry seven weeks.
Your club sucks: Your last title was so long ago that people were still talking about Rick Astley's career unironically.
Being: Liverpool was about so "riveting" that my therapist suggested it for chronic insomnia.
Your club once bought Andy Carroll and were made to look stupid by Mike Ashley. Mike Ashley.
Your owner sucks: Fenway Group. Your owner is a corporation. An American corporation. The next words that come to mind are obviously: The People's Club.
Sorry, John Henry, my John Henry will always be the one who died digging through the mountain so that the railroads (and unfettered capitalism) could flourish. Poser.
Your fans suck: "YNWA" is so unique, so Liverpool, that no less than 43 other clubs have this motto and song. Top drawer.
You would be walking alone, but that guy to your left decided to rob you.
I overheard a new supporter tell an old one that he just looooves Liverpool. Why? He likes the color red. Better hope Man Utd. don't go to "Fire Engine" next year or you might lose that guy.
LeBron James likes you. A through and through Yankee fan from Ohio (where there are two baseball teams), not to mention a man who abandoned his adopted hometown on live, national (American) televison. YNWA, personified.
Your manager sucks: "I have envelopes with the names of three people who will let us down this year...'but the good news is that they're all mine because I can't stop thinking or talking about myself for 60 consecutive seconds.'"-B. Rodgers
Little known fact that Brendan Rodgers only manages football because he was turned down to be an extra in Angela's Ashes. As soon as he gets that call from Hollywood, he's out.
Your players suck: I'm writing this while blaring Phil Collins just to avoid having to fight Steven Gerrard.
Joe Allen's passing is so stagnant I can only compare it to the amount of forward movement on the Western Front in WWI.
Peter Crouch's Robot>>>Daniel Sturridge's arm flap.
Based on his ability to drag down runners, Martin Skrtl has a wonderful career as a beat cop in front of him.
That Luis Suarez seems like a nice lad. A person who has angled for a transfer, bitten people, and been found guilty of racist remarks on the pitch should be trusted when he says he'll never leave the club now.
I am actually weary of Raheem Sterling. A man with his reported libido is never afraid of putting a shot on goal.
Why you may escape the drop (from the title race to the Championship): You start to play Kolo Toure as a traditional, back to goal, number nine. He changes nothing about his game, but--by repositioning him--LFC benefits from his "own-goal" form.
It's a long-shot; but when you are this terrible, thinking "inside the box" just will not do.
In the end, it's all fruitless. You're team is terrible and certainly doomed. Next stop: the Championship.