How do you solve a problem like Spurs' season? I have no idea, but I know how to cope: heavy drinking. Now, any north London schlub can go down to the Bricklayers or the Elbow Room and order a pint (or seven), but mixology is red hot right now. There are cocktails for everything these days, so why not for Tottenham?
I polled the Cartilage Free Captan writing staff and together we came up with the following Spurs-based cocktails. Guaranteed to take your mind off of this train-wreck of a season, or at least to make you too blotto to care that much. Feel free to add your own Spurs cocktails in the comments.
Dark English bitter floated with a shot of Zirbenz Stone Pine liqueur and garnished with a piece of tripe. Nobody really wants one, it's terrible, but it certainly takes a lot of character to finish it.
Take a Bocce Ball cocktail (vodka, orange juice, amaretto, soda). Garnish with a big honkin' sausage.
Cheap London dry gin that's been secretly poured into a bottle of ultra-high end cachaça. Served on flights to Brazil, but unlikely to be made by any self-respecting Brazilian mixologist.
Flaming butterscotch liqueur, served straight in a shot glass covered in Astroglide. Tossed straight at your head from across the bar.
Two ounces of Lagavulin, just a sprinkle of water to bring out the flavor. Serve in a flight with three glasses of Wild Turkey mixed with battery acid. Blame the Vertonghen for the problems with the flight.
(Alternate Recipe: Stella Artois and 151 proof rum, served in a Starbucks to-go cup. Very popular in Barcelona, I'm told.)
A dribble of Spanish port, served in a pint glass. Costs £50. Bonus points if you drink it like this:
20-year old Italian red wine, poured on the floor, covered with sawdust.
One part tequila, one part Crown Royal, one part... ahhh screw it, I can't be bothered to finish this one.
A mixture of Jägermeister and cinnamon schnapps, delivered via fire-hose three feet to the left of your head.
An ultra-premium, barrel-aged Manhattan, served in a solid-gold martini glass while a choir of angels sings behind you.
It doesn't really matter what goes into this one, so long as it's served to you directly through an open car window.
One part cachaça, one part guayaba, one part iron filings, one part shut the f$ up. Each drink comes with a free roundhouse kick to the head.
Peach schnapps and Mountain Dew. Quite popular and awesome drink when you were a lot younger, but now it just makes you sad.
A perfect, classy Negroni. 1 part gin, 1 part sweet vermouth, 1 part Campari. Pour into the left side of a glass and try to keep it all on the left side for no particular reason.
Take two ounces of gin, pour it over a dead animal found on the A10, and serve it with a smile to Raheem Sterling on a silver platter.
The Moon-Shot (also known as "The Pav")
Based on a White Russian, instead replace half the vodka with airplane fuel. Guaranteed to make you say VOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The LOL NOTHING MATTERS
Green chartreuse, creme de menthe, absinthe and midori. To be drunk slowly while spinning around and around and around on your bar stool.
The Flaming Dumpster Pepper
Amaretto, beer, Bacardi 151. Float Bacardi on top, set on fire, and pour into dumpster in alley. Put your pants on your head and dance around until the cops show up.