Jan Vertonghen is ours and Barcelona can't have him

Michael Regan

Mes que un allowable international U-18s.

That sound you hear? It's Daniel Levy unzipping his pants as he invites Jan Vertonghen and Hugo Lloris into his office to share some news that may affect their plans this summer.

It would seem that the paragon of football being played the right way and the symbol of Catalan independence, puppies, children, and all that is good and just with the world has been very, very naughty. Apparently, playing football the right way involves breaching FIFA's regulations regarding international U-18 players not once, not twice, but ten times. If the ban is upheld, Barca would be unable to bring in new players for basically an entire season. Which, if I'm not mistaken would make it difficult to fill the already glaring holes in their defense.

While we should all be skeptical FIFA will actually punish a big club like this, it remains pretty hilarious for the time being. So I guess Hugo and Jan should cancel those Catalan lessons, cause they ain't going nowhere. They're staying here and never leaving and becoming club legends and marrying each other and living happily ever after in North London forever and ever.

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