Tim Sherwood's guide to player management: Sandro, Lamela and Bentaleb

Chris Brunskill

Don't understand how Tim Sherwood is handling his players? We can explain.

Tim Sherwood had another fun post-match presser on Saturday. His methods might be getting a bit confusing, so we're here to clear them up.

How to deal with Sandro Raniere Guimaraes Cordeiro

  • Delete Instagram from his smartphone rendering him practically invisible to the public eye
  • When he's busy doing kung-fu and karate kicks in front of the mirror, quietly enter the changing room and taser him, then quietly leave
  • Drop him from the squad informing him that he can return once he denounces his Brazilian nationality, changes his name to John and falsifies his birth certificate so that it states he's only 18 years of age
  • Twitter causing strife? It won't when Sandro wakes up in the morning to find the severed head of Chirpy by his side

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How to handle Erik Lamela

  • Hand him a Spanish to Welsh translation book telling him ‘this will help you acclimatise to England'
  • Play knock-down ginger on Franco Baldini's office door
  • Explain to Erik he's injured. If Erik responds, suggesting he isn't, then place loaded gun to Erik's temple and explain to him he's injured
  • If Franco Baldini approaches to discuss the treatment of Lamela, Chinese Burn him until he screams in submission
  • When Erik asks if he's going to play a further part in the season state to him in no uncertain terms:  "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for selection I can tell you I don't have any free space...but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a short career with the academy. Skills that make me a nightmare for footballers like you. If you go back to Italy that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you...but if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will play you at left-back"

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Romancing Nabil Bentaleb

  • Take him out for dinner at a Michelin star restaurant
  • Playfully flirt by teasing him that he might only start on the bench for the next game
  • Then close your eyes to reveal the words ‘Starting' and ‘Eleven' written on each eye-lid
  • Order dessert. With one spoon.
  • Go down on one knee and give Nabil two football boots (perfectly cleaned with Etienne Capoue's tongue)
  • Tell him you're going to retire his shirt number at the end of the season

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As always, thanks to CFC community member a01chtra for his artwork. Follow him on Twitter here.

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