And so here we finally are, August 16th 2014. A date significant to football fans the world over. It's time for everyone but the Germans to put the summer of disappointment behind them and to acknowledge that although you probably have your own national leagues and local teams, the real stuff is back at last.
For a glorious minority it means more than that, it means not just football but a cockerel standing on top, and the chance to support the greatest team on earth once more. For the first time in who can keep track of how many arduous months, we get to watch the Spurs go marching in.
And then there's us, the most fortuitous of the fortunate, who get the cherry on top of the cockerel. We know what August the 16th really means. We've invested in it, circled in on our calendars and for the past week or so have had to smugly bide our time, mingling with riff raff of the regular Hoddle, quietly minimising all the FPL discussions and only occasionally acknowledging one another with a casual poucher reference serving as the CFC equivalent of a masonic handshake.
The time is now my friends and so I shall waste no more words on frivolous build up and present you instead with the frivols:
A Quick Review
You all know what happened in the draft so I shan't go over that again but I'll fill you in on a few of the finer tweaks and changes that have occurred since then.
A few trades took place, by far the highest profile being a second round pick for a third when Somid and Levi swapped Giroud for Mirallas. The highest profile free agent comes from Out-Zen who dropped Fernandinho like a hot coal, despite originally being his seventh pick. To be fair City might be planning the same thing, having brought in his non-diminutive namesake from Porto, so maybe it's for the best.
Sylvain Distin got dicked around all over the place – first Somid used him as a makeweight to get David Nugent of all people from Out-Zen. OZ promptly dropped him which caused Somid to reassess his need for strikers and pick him up again in favour of Berahino only to seemingly decide he's not good enough to face Leicester and leave him on the bench this week.
One last notable change is Spurqueno's realisation that James Milner is just as shit in fantasy football as in real life. He dropped him in favour of Steven Naismith, and then dropped Naismith for someone called Jutkiewicz. He can drop Jutkiewicz for someone even more obscure next week, the important thing is evidently just not to have Milner anymore.
In terms of the teams themselves, BSC has renamed HarriKane Warning to #he'sheatingup in honour of Out-Zen's jets. BurqueSpurs has gone forever and is now Spurqueno in an attempt to unify his brand across all platforms. We also have two nearly identical teams being run by two nearly identical people. Leviphillip and Somidscr21 have changed their teams to Pouchers Suck and Pouchers Sack respectively. The way to remember it is that Scrotum is a sack.
And with that we can move onto the main event, this week's match ups:
Pouchers Sack vs Polkaroo
It's no secret that Polkaroo is the early favourite in the league, having picked up a lot of very good attacking talent that means he could one day field a front five of Benteke, Sanchez, Silva, Fabregas and Walcott. Today is not that day however and with three of his preferred starters out injured he's got to hope that Kyle Naughton and Etienne Capoue both demonstrate a more attacking side to their game. |
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Hazard is the star player in Scrotum's team and he's actually traded his second pick (Kevin Mirallas) for Oliver Giroud in order to beef up his strike force. Howard's a good keeper and could well keep a clean sheet against Leicester but with David Nugent in the same team he's pretty much damned either way. Pouchers Sack could potentially shock Polkaroo, but they have to pray that Giroud gets the nod over Sanchez for Arsenal against a managerless Palace, or both match ups may be equally one sided. |
Writer's prediction: Polkaroo justify the hype.
The Draft Excluders vs Spurqueno
The Draft Excluders are pretty dependent on three teams this weekend. I fully expect both Kaboul and Lennon to start for Spurs and make those of us who've always kept faith in them proud once more, and hopefully Kompany, Yaya Toure and Dzeko will prove a fairly reliable spine. The third team is slightly more of a concern though as I'll need Dyer and Bony to score a few against Man U. Dyer only makes the team though because of an injury to Evans (whom I foolishly just picked up in favour of Smalling) so I'm crossing my fingers to see Carrick at the heart of a three man defence for United. |
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BurqueSpursqueno has a somewhat underrated squad to my eyes, with strength in all areas of the pitch and a nice spread of represented teams.
Unfortunately for him RvP, Borini and Rodriguez are all out so Crouch will be leading the line and Seamus Coleman could be another notable absentee. If Holby and Nasri both start it's still a formidable attacking threat but thankfully for me that's a reasonably big if. |
Writer's prediction: Draft Excluders benefit from Burque's excluded drafts.
Feel Good Lost vs Bravespurs
Rosterbation King Out-Zen has been tirelessly trying to trade but struggled to satisfy his tinkerman tendencies due to the inconvenient fact that no one rates his players as highly as he does. His 'untouchables' are correctly labelled however as Johnson, Gerrard and Oscar are all likely to score highly. Rooney would be on that list too but with five Man U players in the squad it does seem a lot of eggs to place in one Dutch basketcase. |
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I know Bravespurs has tenure on Wrongville City Council but I'm just going to go ahead and assume he hasn't sorted his team out at the time of writing. In goal he's hoping West Ham will disappoint us all and in defence he's decided neither Ben Davies nor Danny Rose are fit to start. Calum Chambers also seems to be preferred to Neil Taylor so I'm not sure who he hates more, Spurs or left backs. Is he AVB in disguise? |
Writer's prediction: Feel Good Won
#he'sheatingup vs Pouchers Suck
Our Dear Commissioner has a somewhat unorthodox squad, not least because he has seven strikers on his books and Charlie Austin still seems to be the best one to start this week. Aaron Ramsey and Raheem Sterling should be solid in midfield but elsewhere there's a lot of hope being placed in unproven players – Janmaat and Cabella look set to start, I'm disappointed not to see Trippier and Murray too but both have particularly tough opposition this week. |
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Levi had first pick in the draft and should really have taken advantage. His first two choices were Eriksen and Soldado, his next two have already been traded out of the squad. Defence seems to be the weakest area but Mirallas is apparently a doubt this week and neither Willian nor Jovetic can't be counted on to start either. While we laughed at his homerisms during the draft, I'm now thinking Eriksen and Soldado are the strongest links for him this week. |
Writer's prediction: #COYS
Late Run into the Box vs Smugglers
I may have actually saved the best until last. Smugglers vs the Bandit looks like a pretty tasty battle of the outlaws. Romelu Lukaku was a great pickup for Bandit given he was still at Chelsea during the draft, but he might not be fit to start for Everton this weekend. Gylfi, Lamela and Carzola are all capable of scoring from midfield however and Cahill and Demichelis will both be hoping for clean sheets. |
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Fellow's team actually has the most injuries out of anyone with five little red flags, and as a result he's testing out the nuances of the injury reserve spot. He'd better just hope that should Marc Albrighton be deemed fit to start on the day it doesn't suddenly count as a roster violation. Despite all that he can still field a team with Diego Costa, Leighton Baines and Ander Herrera. And, wait a second, is that, Charlie Adam? Isn't that a roster violation already? |
Writer's prediction: Did we not agree that picking Adam was tantamount to forfeiting?