Happy Wednesday, Spursland! You know the drill- our presidentially-monikered friend had a night off yesterday, and as such a request was flushed through the internet tubes for absolutely anyone specifically me to take the helm. Once my outrageous fee demands had been more or less met, I went on Newsnow spent hours sourcing the highest-quality, most free-range, organic content for you to 'read' at your leisure. As ever, you're welcome.
Below is your theme of the day, and further down there's some football and that.
And now the "news"
Scouting report: Is Memphis Depay just another Andros Townsend?- Statsbomb.com
Inspired by a question from CFC's own Lennon's Eyebrow. And here is the answer in short.
Positives, Negatives- DearMrLevy.com
Just your regular reminder that other blogs than Cartilage Free exist out there. If, you know, quality #corntent isn't everything you need in life.
Kudos to Ade for at least being one of the only people I've seen do this challenge so far who's been smart enough to take some of their clothes off first.
Rojo in Manchester for medical as Nani goes the other way- BBC Sport
Who has two thumbs and a prematurely finished career?
Arsenal lodge complaint over bottle thrown at Wenger during CL tie- Guardian
Oh, the hypocrisy. How quickly Wenger is to forget his own dangerous behaviour of only a few years ago. There were women and children in that crowd behind you, you monster.
Cesc Fabregas won't help Chelsea in the biggest games- SBNation
Except of course the time-honoured pre-match game of 'which team brings along the player that looks the most like he spent the whole summer rubbing meth into his gums'.