FanPost

Facts concerning the shadows over White Hart Lane

Julian Finney

By Dr. Cruyff S. Turn, PhD in Ethnomythology and Esoteric Arcana; MS Cryptozoology

Recently, a certain Spurs Academy project seems to have blossomed under Mauricio Pochettino’s tutelage. Some have speculated that Ryan Mason’s scintillating displays of swashbuckling skill are largely due to mysterious connections between Levy, Pochettino, and the international secret society known as the Free and Accepted order of Masonry. I think we can all agree that Free Masons definitely are involved here.

That is settled fact.

However, as I began to dig a bit deeper into this issue, I became aware of certain manuscripts and lost ciphers, such as the Ponape Scriptures, the Zanthu Tablets, and the Laws of Ruin (Las Reglas de Ruina) housed deep in the historic tombs located beneath Miskatonic University in New England.

Obviously, I can’t go in to too much detail about how I was able to gain access to these materials. I can however, reveal some truly shocking discoveries that are truly shocking.

First and foremost, this goes much, much, deeper than the Freemasons. The connection with this ancient order is merely a smokescreen meant to throw #sheeple off the scent of a truly diabolical truth that is true.

Namely, Chirpy is actually a Great Old One, part of a pantheon of ancient, powerful deities from space, who once ruled the Earth and who have since fallen into a deathlike sleep. Chirpy also known as Chirpthulu, (also known as Qrp’thul or Krp'tulu) is in fact a gigantic, wholly evil entity, worshiped by cultists who conduct human sacrifices in its name. These cultists are rumored to whisper "Profit Not Glory" in a long dead Scythian language as they conduct their grizzly cannibalistic rituals.

​Sketch of Chirpthulu

The friendly/terrifying bird form you see at games is merely an astral projection summoned by its cultists, led by their high priest, Daniel Levy. In actuality, Chirpthulu is a hideous bird-creature with the tentacles of a massive octopus who lies sleeping in the drowned nightmare corpse-city of R'lyeh - built in measureless eons behind history by the vast, loathsome shapes that seeped down from the dark stars.

In this dead City lays Chirpthulhu and his hordes of Turfies, hidden in green slimy vaults.

All of this and more was revealed to me by the Ponape Scripture (a manuscript originally found in the Caroline Islands by Captain Abner Exekiel Hoag sometime around 1734). This scroll (pictured here) helped me understand the sinister truth that is true and also sinister.

Ponape Scripture

The scripture was written in Naacal (the language of Mu) and appears to have been authored by Imash-Mo, high priest of Ghatanaothoa and his successors.

Shadow publications of the Scripture have circulated among secretive cults (such as the Esoteric Order of the Madrid Partnership) and other occult groups. When I was finally able to teach myself written Naacal last week and was able to decipher this dread language, the Scriptures revealed to me the true nature of Chirpthulu...

But it goes MUCH deeper than this. The Ponape Scriptures make a passing reference to The Zanthu Tablets. Apparently, the tablets themselves are twelve engraved pieces of black jade inscribed by Zanthu, a wizard and high priest of an ancient religion known as Na-ENIC.

The entombed archives of Miskatonic University only contained a fragment of one of the tablets. It is written in a hieratic form of Naacal, and it reveals a partial history of the lost continent of Mu.

Fragment of the Zanthu Tablet

This fragment describes an account of a titanic struggle against the rising of Ghatanathoa. This term has no known translation, however it seems to be related to an ancient Aramaic concept that can be loosely interpreted as "Modern Football."

Before the shattered fragment of this tablet reaches its end, it describes a failed attempt to release the ancient god Chirpthulu. The high priest Zanthu described this as "just banter, mate" before attempting to summon forth Chirpthulu who "carries in it's tentacled beak the dread Ythogtha" (again an untranslatable term loosely understood as "StubHub") from his prison.

Upon witnessing "three black, beaked, slimy heads, vaster than any mountain, rising from a gorge," the high priest Zanthu flees in terror when he realizes that they are merely the god Chirpthulu's fingertips.

According to Zanthu, he and some of his people escaped the destruction of Mu, which was then sunk by the wrath of the Elder Gods.

This brings us to the shocking truth revealed in the Laws of Ruin (Las Reglas de Ruina), written by Philip of Navarre in 1520, a Spanish friar of 16th Century. The book has been translated in English by Professors Theodore Hayward Gates and Pascal Chevillion in 1714.

This grimoire foretells of the coming of a messiah of destruction, who would be born in the western land across the great ocean in Columbus' New World, a man that "shall set the Great Old One free from its watery prison."

Now, since I know you are all not #sheeple, please allow me to reveal the truth behind the true discoveries that I have discovered:

  • Levy is actually high priest of a cult (Na-ENIC) worshiping dread Chirpthulu. This cult is in league with other cults around the world such as the Esoteric Order of the Madrid Partnership. The one thing these cults are known to have in common is their use of the term "Profit Not Glory" in their arcane rituals.
  • The cult of Na-ENIC is now triumphant, and Chirpthulu, the ancient god of Ythogtha (StubHub), may now rise from the deeps to lay waste to the Earth. To him, this would only be "just bantz" as he has no care for mere humanity.
  • DeAndre Yedlin is obviously the "messiah of destruction born in the western land across the great ocean" as described in the Laws of Ruin.
  • It is clear, that as soon as Yedlin steps foot on the hallowed and ancient grounds of White Hart Lane, all of humanity will be driven to slavering madness in the face of the cosmic horrors that await as Chirpthulu rises from watery R’Lyeh and take his rightful place in "Naming Rights Stadium". And it is there, that he may lay waste to the Earth with the power of the dreaded Ythogtha (StubHub) and the minions of the cult of Na-ENIC chanting "Profit Not Glory."

Many many top blokes will perish in the destruction, and for fuck sake, it will all be Levy’s fault.

Dread Chirpthulu: via @a01chtra. Other images via Wikimedia Commons.

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