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Tottenham Vs. Fulham, An Honest Review Part I: Kevin Is A Crazy Person

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This is part I of a two-part review of the Tottenham Hotspur vs. Fulham match, done in two different frames of mind. These are my thoughts immediately following the match. Later, we'll have a sane review of the match. Be advised, there is a good deal of profanity below.

What the fuck was that? Seriously, what did I just watch? I know Ledley King doesn't have any knees, but he shouldn't ever get absolutely run around, over and over again by Bobby Zamora. Scott Parker, who has been our best player all season, couldn't win the ball back. Luka Modric was an embarrassment defensively. Kyle Walker and Benoit Assou-Ekotto panicked and hoofed the ball up the pitch over and over. 

This is Fulham! They have a 20,000 seater stadium, their best player is a slightly above average American, and they have a statue of Michael Jackson outside the stadium. They're regularly in relegation scraps and always find a way to stay up. With this "win," they have only beaten us once in our last 11 Premier League meetings. They now sit in 16th place.

And yet, they looked like Barcelona. Barcafreakinglona. We couldn't get the ball to save our lives, and whenever we did, they just won it right back. Is Steve Sidwell now Sergio fucking Busquets? An embarrassing performance all around.

Oh, and don't tell me that it's okay because we won. Don't tell me that three points is all that matters. Do. Not. Fucking. Tell. Me. That. If you are okay with that performance than you are okay with wallowing in mediocrity for the rest of our existence as a football club. That was abject shit. Results-based analysis is absolute nonsense, because the way the team played out there was no different than the way Arsenal played when they took their 8-2 beating from Manchester United.

You know why they lost that game 8-2 and we won this one 3-1? Because Fulham suck. That's the only reason. Manchester United have the quality to finish off their chances and finished every single one they got in that match. Fulham did the exact same thing to us, yet only managed to score one goal because they're rubbish. That game EASILY could have been won 8-2 by Fulham. We were that terrible in the 2nd half.

And don't get me started on Kevin Bond, who obviously has his head so far up his ass that he could eat his own Adam's Apple. We can't win the ball to save our fucking lives and we have Sandro on the bench, what do we do? OH, I KNOW. WE'LL BRING JERMAIN DEFOE ON FOR RAFAEL VAN DER VAART. THAT WILL SOLVE ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.

Well done, fuckhead. I don't care that Defoe scored, we were considerably worse between the time Defoe came onto the pitch and the time he scored that goal. That was far and away the worst spell of the game for us, which is fucking incredible considering how shit we were in the 20 minutes between the start of the half and Defoe entering the game. What an absolutely brainless substitution. 

I love that our Plan B is always "Let's play 4-4-2 and have a go!" That's not the solution to everything, you Taylor Twellman looking-ass motherfuckers. There is a time and a place for everything, including putting two strikers and two correct-footed wingers out there and just telling the boys to have a go. When you are up by one goal, getting run over in the midfield and you are completely unable to win the ball back, THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME AND THE FUCKING PLACE.

So for 45 minutes we flailed around like a bunch of fucking idiots while Brad Friedel bailed us out over and over again. We had a couple of clearances off the line. Fulham missed a couple of sitters. Friedel came up just short of Michel Vorm's record for saves in a Premier League match. We want to play in the Champions League and we're depending on a 41 year old man to win matches by himself? Nonsense, absolute nonsense.

The international break could not have come at a better time. After all the shit Kevin Bond and Joe Jordan spewed post-game about how our fight saw us through, I couldn't take Tottenham complacently strolling into White Hart Lane and getting their fucking throats ripped out by Gabriel Agbonlahor this weekend. Maybe the international break will kill the false confidence that these guys have and get them focused for what is going to be a very tough game.

We were absolute crap on Sunday, and three points does not make that performance acceptable.