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Tottenham Hotspur Vs. Bolton Wanderers: The Kind Of Game Where We Eff Up And I Cry

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What Harry's face will look like if we manage to concede a goal in this game
What Harry's face will look like if we manage to concede a goal in this game

Warning: A bit of colorful language

There is no reason why Tottenham Hotspur should not defeat Bolton Wanderers on Saturday. Zero. This is not arrogance; there is no coherent, well-reasoned argument why Bolton has a good chance to win the game. I am not saying that they have zero chance, as crazy flukes happen all the time. Younes Kaboul could lose his mind and commit a straight red challenge in the box in the opening minute. This is not outside the realm of possibility.

But, if one were to predict that Bolton was going to get a result in this match, that prediction would be based merely on a hunch that Tottenham were going to choke. With Stuart Holden and Lee Chung-Yong out, Bolton are missing their two best players. David Wheater is suspended, meaning that their back line, outside of Gary Cahill, will be made up of three Championship-level players. Fabrice Muamba and Nigel Reo-Coker are competent players, but are perhaps the worst passing center of midfield in Premier League history. Jussi Jaaskelainen is playing poorly.

Strikers Kevin Davies and Ivan Klasnic are competent Premier League strikers. Both are very good in the air. Both are also very slow. Both are solid finishers, especially with their heads, but are only average technical players. Neither is in the same physical category of Younes Kaboul, at least at this late stage in Kevin Davies' career.

Chris Eagles is, far and away, the most technically adept and creative player who currently plays regularly for Bolton Wanderers. Eagles is a career Championship player who could not become a reliable backup for Manchester United. In his one Premier League season with Burnley, he was extremely average.

Tottenham Hotspur will only fail to defeat Bolton Wanderers if something outside of the ordinary happens. No one can predict that Tottenham will not win through any means that resembles a logical thought process.

I do not say any of this to be mean. I do not dislike Bolton Wanderers at all and I feel like they could be a top-half team if they were healthy. I like our Bolton bloggers at Lion Of Vienna Suite a lot. They were actually good friends of mine before they were blogging here at SB Nation. Were I incarcerated in either Mark or Mattie's city of residence, I would not hesitate to call either of them to bail me out of jail. They would do it, call me a dumbass and then we'd laugh about it. How could I possibly dislike the club they support or have some kind of agenda against them?

I say all of the above merely to point out that Bolton really suck. This is relevant for two reasons. One, because Tottenham Hotspur is playing them tomorrow. When Tottenham Hotspur is playing a team that sucks, it is my job to explain how they suck, why they suck, and how much they suck. Two, because Tottenham Hotspur always invents new and interesting ways to fuck up against teams like this.

If Tottenham is completely focused and treats this game against Bolton like they treat games against good teams, they will beat the ever living shit out of them. They will win by six goals, and they will do this because they are a good team, especially at home. Bolton are a shit team, and they are without their second best defender. Their second best defender who is shit. The player who is replacing him is demonstrably shittier.

I am scared that we will fuck this up because we are Spurs, and if we fuck this up I will cry.

I do not want a 1-0 win in this game. I do not even want a very comfortable 2-0 or 3-0 win. I want to beat the fucking piss out of Bolton. Not because I hate Bolton, because I need it for my sanity. Because I need Spurs to embarrass a team of Bolton's caliber at the Lane so I can stop thinking like this.

Luka's fit. Bale's fit. Parker's fit. Ade's fit. Rafa's kind of fit. Defoe's fit and in great form. Let's beat some ass.

Prediction: 6-0 Tottenham Hotspur. Adebayor hat trick.