clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Gift of Giving: Doling Out Presents To The Tottenham Hotspur Squad

New, comments

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Getty Images

Happy Holidays everyone! Hopefully everyone is enjoying some much needed vacation, but chances are you're spending this break with your family and are probably very close to killing someone (or at least choking someone out). On the bright side there's only a few more days until your family leaves and there's Footbaw on TV today and that league that all those felons play in starts tomorrow, so there's that.

This calendar year, Tottenham Hotspur have been very good. As a result it's time for Santa Ashlock to bring everyone on the team their Christmas presents. This should be fun.

Brad Friedel: The ageless American has been instrumental in Tottenham's incredible performances this season. If nothing else Friedel has been consistent. Consistency is key, not only on the pitch, but off of it as well. Hence, Brad will be receiving a pack of gifts from Metamucil.

Carlo Cudicini: He seems to be, perpetually, the backup. The Italian shot stopper has gotten a few starts and has performed admirably in those appearances. Carlo won't be getting any motorcycle gear for Christmas, that's for sure. Because he does spend so much time sitting on the bench Carlo will be getting The Miracle of Castel Di Sangro, which chronicles a small Italian club's first season in Serie B. Carlo played one season for the Giallorossi, so that makes this gift even more cool.

Heurelho Gomes: Gomes used to be the best keeper Spurs had (he still is), but he's found appearances few and far between. It's ok though, because Santa Ashlock knows how to get the Brazilian Shot stopper back into the first team. Stickum. With a little of this stuff on his gloves there's no way Gomes won't return to the first team.

Younes Kaboul: The French giant has been forced into service a lot more than any of us probably expected this season and has performed admirably in almost all of those matches. Kaboul is physically imposing, but at times he appears to lose focus on the pitch. So, to improve his concentration Younes will be getting Milton Bradley's Memory Board Game.

William Gallas: Another of Tottenham's ageless wonders. Gallas has overcome a couple of calf injuries to come back and play pretty well for Spurs. Seriously though, two calf injuries? Willy needs a pair of these: Strength Shoes. If those don't improve your calf strength William, then it's probably time to hang it up.

Sebastien Bassong: Ah, the confidence free captain. Seriously, Bassong has played decently this year. He certainly hasn't played bad enough to deserve some of the stick that he's received from some fans. Bassong, like Kaboul, suffers from occasional mental lapse. In an effort to fix that Bassong will be finding this Sudoku handheld game in his stocking. He, like Gomes, can use his gift while he sits on the bench.

Michael Dawson: Ledley King may be the club's captain and this blogs namesake, but, if you ask me, Dawson has been the emotional leader of this club for the last few seasons. He's missed all of this season due to injury, but could return in February. It's hard to buy things for the injured, but I know Dawson definitely needs more hair product if he want's to keep his fauxhawk looking good. So, he gets a jar of Sumotech from Bumble and Bumble.

Vedran Corluka: Charlie hasn't played much this season. He's been injured and Kyle Walker has played so well that Corluka has been kept out of the first team. We make a lot of jokes about Corluka's speed, but it's not his fault. His wooden legs can only move so fast. Now, if he had a pair of Flex Foot Cheetahs from Ossur imagine how fast he could be! Just keep those wooden legs on hand Charlie, just in case you get into any knife fights.

Ledley King: Sure, it's be an easy cop-out to give Ledley cartilage for Christmas. Don't you think the club would have already given him that if it were possible? Instead we need to focus on keeping what Ledley has left strong. He doesn't train, but I think it might help if he did some exercise. So, I'm getting him a copy of this Strong Knees video.

Kyle Walker: The youngster has been a revelation for Spurs this season. He hasn't always played spectacularly, but he's been good enough to not stand out as a liability like some of the Club's previous right backs have done. He is still young though so I have a feeling that Walker would enjoy this LEGO Super Star Destroyer. Heck, I think I might want that.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto: The amount of BAE love on this site is surpassed, perhaps, only by the love for Giovani Dos Santos. As we all know, it's exceptionally hard to buy gifts for the person you love. Benny drives a smart car, has an awesome afro, and is just a down-to-earth guy. He does use public transportation a lot so I'm going to top-up his Oyster Card.

Gareth Bale: We don't know much about Gareth Bale outside of what he does on the pitch. We know his girlfriend is just ok, he likes physio tape, and that he's Welsh (so he probably really likes sheep). Bale has, at time suffered with some back problems. What he probably needs is a better mattress. Like this one from Serta. Plus each Serta mattress comes with a free stuffed sheep. Gareth can cuddle this and it will remind him of home.

Tom Huddlestone: As with Michael Dawson it's hard to find a gift for someone who's been injured all season. However, because I follow Hudd on Twitter, I know exactly what he wants. He wants you to donate to his Just Giving page as he attempts to raise money for UK Cancer Relief. I think I can spare a few pounds for that. Can you?

Aaron Lennon: Unlike Ed Francis, I'm not as keen on Lennon or his abilities. I think we can fix some of his problems though. Azza just needs to pick his head up. When I was young my dad bought me a pair of these dribbling goggles to keep me from looking at the ball while playing basketball. I think these could probably work for football. Hopefully these will force Azza to look up, thereby improving the quality of his final ball.

Scott Parker: RAF Captain Scotty P is not a difficult man to buy for. He's very simple, a throwback, if you will. So, I'll be giving Scott this Shoe Care Kit. We've all seen his black boots. They're very shiny. However, spit shine only does so much, right Scott?

Rafael Van der Vaart: Why would the man who has his very own Sylvie Van der Vaart need anything on Christmas? Ok, maybe he needs a new hamstring or his supply of horse placenta restocked, but those things aren't readily available to someone like me. I have a feeling that Rafa may be straining his hamstring by walking and driving places. Thus, I'm giving him this fancy new jet pack. Imagine him showing up to training on this. It might give Harry another heart attack.

Luka Modric: Despite not having his head in the right place (it was placed firmly up his ass) at the beginning of the season, Luka has continued to be one of the most important players to the success of Tottenham Hotspur. Luka does need one thing: a new haircut. He's getting an appointment at Truefitt and Hill in London, he certainly needs it.

Niko Kranjcar: Niko! My cousin! It'd be a bit easy to give Niko a copy of Grand Theft Auto, but this isn't about easy. Niko hasn't featured much this season, but last season he made some timely interventions to get Spurs a draw or a win. His timelyness has been very important to Spurs, so he's getting this nice watch. Hopefully, it serves him well.

Danny Rose: I don't know how long we can continue to hold out hope that Rose will make any sort of meaningful impact on the first team. He had some decent performances at the end of last season, but injuries have prevented him from building on those. When he has played he hasn't been that good. However, he did have on great moment for Spurs and we never want him to forget that, so he gets a copy of that goal on DVD!

Jake Livermore: It seems as though Livermore has been ever-present for Spurs this season (he hasn't). However, his contributions this season have been greatly appreciated. He's no Jamie O'Hara though. In an effort to turn Livermore into an O'Hara type super-sub I think we can all chip in and get him one night with Danielle Lloyd. Surely someone on Spurs can hook it up.

Sandro: This man is a beast. Perhaps some of us had forgotten about his quality because of how well Scott Parker played early in this season, but he remains a force in midfield for Tottenham. Without his performance against Chelsea Spurs may well have failed to draw. I think a great gift for Sandro would be good friend Leandro Damiao, but aside from that I think he might also like some new hair dye. He's had red and blue, why don't we combine them and give him purple dye?

Steven Pienaar: The oft-forgotten man of Tottenham Hotspur could probably use many things. Namely, reminders to the authors of this site (myself included) that he still exists. One thing Pienaar definitely needs, along with the rest of his Bafana Bafana teammates, is a copy of the African Cup of Nations rules. Hopefully this will explain to him how tiebreakers work.

Roman Pavlyuchenko: A ticket in Row Z might be a good gift, but now that we've discovered that Pav's errant shooting is all about enlightenment it's hard to criticize him. I don't know much about zen, but I know someone who does: Phil Jackson. So Pav get's a copy of one of Phil's books: Sacred Hoops. I've never read it, but it seems like something Pav might enjoy.

Emmanuel Adebayor: Ade is the highest earning player in the Spurs squad (thanks Manchester City) so it's hard to find something for this guy. However, recently, Adebayor has announced that he will be making himself available for selection for the Togo national team again. I wish I could say this joke was a gift, but it's not: a bulletproof vest. If I could afford it I'd provide it to all the Togolese players in an effort to prevent the tragedies that have struck the game there in recent years.

Giovani Dos Santos: I thought about asking Kevin what he wanted to get Gio for Christmas, but I thought he might suggest something creepy, like that he and Gio attempt to reenact this scene from Lady and the Tramp. I, however, know exactly what Gio wants: a 15 liter bottle of champagne. Sure, it's not going to endear him to Harry Redknapp, but at this point, nothing is.

Jermain Defoe: The thing that would probably make JD happiest would be a long-term injury to Rafa Van der Vaart, but I don't think I can give that to him. Instead, he'll be receiving these self-hypnosis tracks to improve his patience. Why? Because JD like Adebayor is constantly offside. If he'd be a bit more patient maybe he'd score a few more goals.

Harry Redknapp: Redknapp could definitely use a new ticker or someone to pay his taxes. Both those gifts seem a little outside of my capablities, but I'm willing to give him a copy of Inverting the Pyramid. Hopefully, Harry can learn a thing or two about the history of tactics and also figure out how to play a damn 4-2-3-1.

Daniel Levy: I'm sure Daniel Levy would like a new player for Christmas or maybe to at least sell a few of the fringe players. I'm sure Levy is wealthy enough that he doesn't need much of anything, but I'm going to give him The Wire: The Complete Series. I'm sure there are at least a few things that Levy can learn from this. All in the game, yo. All in the game.

So, there you have it. That's what I'm getting all the folks at the club. What would you get the players, other people in the world of football, etc.? Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holidays!