Know Your Opponent: Everbroke Edition

Brian Goodison of SB Nation's Eveton blog Royal Blue Mersey is usually a perfectly nice guy. But I spoke with him today about our match this weekend and he was full of wrong and stupid wrongness.

Lennon's Eyebrow: So, Brian, you started the season really well, but you've only won one match in the last nine. Baines and Pienaar haven't done anything in a while and Jelavic only scores against bottom feeders. Frollaini is the only guy keeping you going, and he'll leave for a real team any day now.

Why is Everton so lousy? Did Moyes finally realize it wasn't January?

Brian Goodison: I think the real reason Everton has struggled is because they don't have any Olympic divers in the squad. We rose up in the standings by shocking everyone, but now the Olympians are regaining their normal place at the top. When Phil Neville is trying to place in diving, you know your team has problems.

My real question is when did Spurs become so Communist? I mean, I know CFC has a resident Communist in "Bryan A.", but it seems like the whole fanbase has gotten in on the act. First you guys try to run Friedel out of town by acting as though Lloris is your savior (the guy is French and shouldn't be trusted to defend anything). Next y'all jump on Dempsey after 13 games. The real Americans here are going to remember that when Dempsey saves your season this year.

LE: Gareth Bale is a scapegoat of the FA's vendetta against foreigners. If he was English instead of Welsh, he'd get a medal for bravery. Instead he is vilified by the same monsters who make violent criminals like Steven Gerrard their national team captain.

And Communist? Please. Brad Friedel is 97 years old. If we were dirty hippie Commies, he'd still be our #1 keeper. Instead, pure ruthless, cold-hearted capitalism has seen him replaced by the newer, younger, and better model. Glorious Lloris is the future.

Meanwhile, I read your article salivating over Darron Gibson like he's the Irish Zidane. Do you really expect a Man United reject to be the answer to your problems? I guess it makes sense since fellow United reject Neville the Lesser has been your captain for like a decade, but seriously?

BG: You keep telling yourself about the vendetta the FA has, and maybe things will turn out for the better.

As for Gibson, I'd rather put my team's fortunes in the hands of a Manchester United reject than asking Jermain Defoe and Ade to score goals. Defoe has been doing well this year, but one glass of eggnog too many and his form will go down faster than Liverpool. For all the praise Mr. Levy seems to get, even Moyes can find better strikers than him. What gives, and are you actually going to open up that man-purse soon?

LE: Better strikers? Your attack is spearheaded by SPL rejects! Jelavic has scored half as many goals as JD Trouble this year. And Steven Naismith? Don't make me lol.

I think Levy's going to let AVB spend a little cash this January to get a passer in the midfield. Who are you looking to buy in January? Is that 12 Shades of Blue calendar going to raise enough cash to buy another minor leaguer, or will you have to cash in on Frollaini to make improvements to your bargain basement team?

BG: If you call Naismith a striker than you have to call Fellaini one too. And pictures of Tim Howard's abs will be more than enough to buy some guy no one has ever heard of. Then Moyes turns him into a star and everyone is shocked.

As for Fellaini, I'm kind of hoping our dear friend Roman decides he has to have him and throws 50 million pounds our way. I honestly think Moyes could buy a whole new squad with that much cash.

I'd be surprised if we do anything but buy in January though. Moyes refuses to talk about a new contract until January and there is speculation he is using this leverage to force some pennies out of Bill Kenwright's rear end. It is clenched so tight when talking about money it should be diamonds by this point.

As for y'all's targets, isn't it more realistic to say rumors will circulate about Spurs' interest, Spurs will put in a law bid, the bid will be refused, and Levy will refuse to change the bid until deadline day when Spurs fans just become bitter and jaded?

LE: You're basically right, except it will end with Moyes paying Levy to loan Pineaar to us for a year. We'll give him back later after we don't use him for an entire season.

So what do you think about this weekend's game? Can Fellaini do enough against his better Belgian counterparts at Spurs to make the difference? Who are you worried about crapping the bed for y'all and letting Spurs embarrass you in front of your home fan?

BG: The right side of our defense scares the crap out of me. Tony Hibbert and Steve Naismith are likely to form our right side partnership and that just means things will be scary. Thankfully Bale is hurt, but you can really put any fast guy over there to torch us, even Robbie Findley would work. And I would say Fellaini is the better Belgian, and I hope your central defenders put their big boy pants on for this one. The hair will come to play.

For you guys, who is going to become yet another victim at the hands of Leighton Baines? I was so sad when you got rid of my good friend Alan Hutton. He was always good for a few lulz during a match. Oh, and if Mirallas plays, how are you going to deal with two Belgians?

LE: Lucky for you, with Bale hurt and Lennon on the right, we're all out of fast guys. Hopefully Deuce can continue his recent good form, because we definitely need a big game from him.

I'd be surprised if Mirallas plays, but even if he does, I fancy our two Belgians over yours any day of the week. We have yet to lose a game with Dembele in the lineup and Vertonghen has been a sexy beast all year.

We've come a long way since the days of the Shite Cafu, and i think Kyle Walker is more than a match for Leighton Baines. He's finally settling down and adding some defensive awareness to his bombing runs forward. Baines' only chance to get the best of him is if he hasn't shaved that horrible 'stache of his, he might terrify Walker into submission.

Care to make a prediction? Will you continue your Mark Hughesian streak of not winning any games?

BG: We need 3 points, so I'm going for a 2-1 win. Our defense is approaching dumpster fire status so you guys could even play David Moyes' favorite formation, the 4-6-0, and score. I think Fellaini gets at least one goal, and Lloris will learn to fear the Baines free kick.

Is your prediction full of Spurs pessimism or Portugal confidence?

LE: Your prediction is certainly full of something alright. Everton haven't won in forever, and Spurs don't lose with Moose. If only "needing 3 points" had any bearing on the game, I'd say the Toffees stood a chance. I think it'll go 2-1 the other way.

A big thanks to Brian for talking with me. I normally feel nothing but fondness for the poorest half of Merseyside, but this weekend I think he's an idiot and his team's going down.