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Think Eden Hazard Will Come To Spurs? You Just Made These Four Leaps Of Logic

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DURRRRRRR
DURRRRRRR

So, there's a report that Tottenham Hotspur are going to sign Eden Hazard. The two parties have agreed to personal terms, and the clubs just need to agree on a fee. This report is absurd, and yet the entire internet has lost it. Everyone's talking about this. Why? Why hasn't this been dismissed? I don't get it.

If you think that this report is legitimate and that Hazard has agreed to personal terms with Spurs, you just made these four leaps of logic.

1. Tottenham just won the lottery -or- You've been lied to for years

We've been wheeler dealers for a while now. Tottenham have bought some solid players over the last few years, sure, but nothing outrageous. Scott Parker, Brad Friedel and Rafael Van der Vaart were all great bargain buys. Sandro cost a decent amount at £10 million, but he wasn't outrageous. Eden Hazard, if he moves, is going to cost at least £20 million. His wage demands will be very high; he will want more than the raises we'll probably offer Luka Modric and Gareth Bale.

Unless our budget and strategy have changed DRAMATICALLY in the last month, this doesn't make sense. Qualifying for Champions League would not cause this big of a shift in our financial policy, especially while we're trying to build a new stadium without incurring a large volume of debt.

2. Eden Hazard has a good reason to pick Spurs first -or- Big teams don't want him anymore

Tottenham are probably an attractive team for some good players. They'll be playing in Champions League next year, they have Bale and Modric, and their team isn't so loaded that you won't have a chance to break into the side. Except for central midfield, every position on the team could use improving, either in the starting lineup or from a depth perspective. Because it's a good team, but not too good of a team, someone like Hazard would like to move here. They can play for a good side, but get a starting place.

This is also the case at Chelsea and Arsenal. One of those two teams will probably play in Champions League next year, and both have a larger wage budget. Real Madrid and Barcelona can both pay Hazard bigger wages. City can pay him monstrous wages. Milan and Juventus can also promise him a starting place, Champions League football, and bigger wages than Spurs.

Provided Hazard is still coveted by teams this big, it seems pretty odd that he'd pick Spurs above all of them. He might value playing time over money or vice versa, but for him to pick Spurs over all of these teams would be really, really weird. If he isn't coveted by the big teams anymore, that's even more weird.

3. We're tapping him up illegally -or- Lille is a poorly run club

So we pulled tens of millions of pounds out of our asses and Eden Hazard has a giant cockerel-shaped boner for our team. That's triffic. How, then, are we talking to him right now? How have we agreed personal terms in February with a player that is not out contract?

Either we're negotiating with an under contract player without Lille's knowledge, which is against all kinds of rules, or Lille is dumb enough to have quiet, backdoor discussions with us about the transfer of (supposedly) one of the most coveted young players on earth. Both of these things seem more unlikely than the above two points...or at least I'd like to think so.

4. Eden Hazard is stupid -or- Eden Hazard's agent is stupid

If Eden Hazard wants to move to Spurs in a backdoor manner for less money than he would get on the open market for a team that probably cannot compete for a Champions League title and will be, at best, third favorite to win the Premier League, he is probably a moron. I don't think I'm a bad fan for saying this. Tottenham is a worse move for an ambitious world class talent than United, City, the winner of the Chelsea/Arsenal race, Juventus, Milan, Real Madrid, Barcelona and Bayern Munich.

If Hazard simply doesn't care and is just along for the ride, and all of 1-3 are happening, he has the dumbest agent on the planet. If all of these things were going on, his agent would be smart to blow the lid off the thing so that Tottenham get in trouble or Lille are forced to field bids from other parties.

Sorry if this reads as ranty, but twitter really annoyed the living shit out of me today.