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The Immediate Future Of Tottenham Hotspur: A Prognosticated Timeline, Part I

Winning one of these would be cool.
Winning one of these would be cool.

The following timeline is entirely fictional and something that I made up in my head. I did not invent the time machine. I have no desire to invent the time machine. Part II comes out tomorrow.

February 19: Tottenham Hotspur travel away to Broadhall Way to take on Stevenage Town. Everyone who has followed the Colorado Rapids knows the drill. They scrape, claw, elbow. It's a nasty game. Their midfield holds their shape well. When long balls find the forwards, they combine well. Ultimately, they're just not good enough to beat Spurs. Darius Charles scores on a set piece and Stevenage take a 1-0 lead into the break, but Jermain Defoe scores twice in the second half. Spurs win 2-1 and progress.

The draw is made and Tottenham are handed a home match against Norwich City. The league match against Stoke City is rescheduled to Wednesday, March 21.

February 25: Rafael Van der Vaart is declared fit for the North London Derby.

February 26: Just like the first edition of the derby, Tottenham strikes first through Van der Vaart, in the 32nd minute, on a lay-off from Emmanuel Adebayor. Spurs surprisingly play a very defensive game and attempt to hold their lead at the Emirates. They almost pull it off before Thomas Vermaelen scores a heartbreaking equalizer, heading in a corner kick in the 94th minute.

Scott Parker comes off injured in the match. Elsewhere, Chelsea obliterates Bolton at home. They re-take fourth place. Manchester United and Manchester City inexplicably draw Norwich City and Blackburn Rovers.

February 28: An MRI reveals that Scott Parker has torn his hamstring. He will be unavailable for the games against Manchester United and Chelsea. His projected return is on April 1 against Swansea City.

March 3: Manchester City destroy Bolton even worse than Chelsea did the week before. They look ripe for the drop.

March 4: Tottenham host Manchester United at home. This match goes the opposite way of the Arsenal match, but has the same result. Wayne Rooney scores the opening goal in the 12th minute. Tottenham equalize just before halftime on a brilliant individual run and finish by Gareth Bale. Youtube videos with this goal and one of the Taxi for Maicon goals side by side will be made, as they appear identical. Chris Smalling will be compared to Maicon for the remainder of his career.

The second half is a physical battle, with lots of yellow cards. Brad Friedel and David De Gea both make multiple world-class saves. In the 82nd minute, Michael Dawson falls asleep on a Rooney through ball. Chicharito runs onto it and finishes, seemingly giving United the winner. Luka Modric scores an equalizer in the 89th minute with a 30-yard volley. This is declared the game of the season.

Elsewhere, Chelsea defeat West Bromwich Albion. The gap between them and us is just six points.

March 5: Rumors emerge that Harry Redknapp was formally offered the England job following his team's two comebacks against United. Redknapp's agent denies the reports. For the first time in his career, Harry refuses to comment to the media.

March 10: After two straight draws, Tottenham are in serious need of a win. They travel to Goodison Park and play in a terrible bore draw for 55 minutes, until Phil Jagielka puts in an abysmal own goal. Neither team would have a clear-cut scoring chance after that. Tottenham win 1-0 in an unwatchable match.

March 14: A stubborn Walter Mazzarri does not change his tactics away to Chelsea. Daniel Sturridge scores a hat trick. Chelsea progress in the Champions League. They draw Real Madrid.

March 17: Tottenham comfortably defeat Norwich, 2-0, in a solid but unspectacular performance. Sandro is named man of the match. They draw Arsenal in the FA Cup Semifinal. The other semifinal features Chelsea against cup Cinderella Blackpool. Our Premier League match against Bolton is moved to April 18.

March 21: In revenge for the Chris Foy incident, Tottenham tear Stoke City to pieces at White Hart Lane in a 5-0 romp. Joe Jordan gets into a verbal argument with Rory Delap. All of this appears to be very personal, for some odd reason. Chelsea is beaten at Eastlands by Manchester City. The gap is nine points back to them and nine points up to City. We look locked into third place.

March 23: The nightmare report leaks with the worst possible timing. The Daily Mail reports that Harry Redknapp will be named England manager following the match against Chelsea. Most dismiss this as the Daily Mail throwing darts at the wall, but reporters from The Times and the BBC state that they have sources telling them the same. Daniel Levy and Harry Redknapp refuse to comment.

March 24: Caught between the City and Madrid matches, Chelsea rest a couple of key players and do not look their best. Both teams are sloppy and none of the goals are good. Tottenham win 2-1, and every goal comes partially as the result of some abysmal defending. Chelsea's passing percentage was the lowest this season. Sandro makes eight successful tackles and seven interceptions in a man of the match performance. Arsenal are still four points behind the Blues. City draw and drop points at the Brittania, but Spurs are still seven points back. The title does not look realistic.

In the post-match press conference, Harry Redknapp confirms that he has been formally offered the England job. He says he will make no further comment on the England job at this time.

March 25: Harry Redknapp is introduced as the new England manager. Cue shock and awe. He will do double duty for the rest of the season and take over England full time, leaving Spurs, at the end of the year. There is no word yet on compensation.

April 1: Scott Parker is healthy again, but starts the match on the bench against Swansea. In a rare performance, Leon Britton and Joe Allen struggle to keep the ball. With Spurs up 3-0 in the 80th minute, Harry decides to give Luka Modric a rest and gives Parker a run-out. Sandro is named man of the match. There is a controversy brewing.

April 7: Tottenham travels to the Stadium of Light to take on Martin O'Neil's Sunderland, who are comfortably eighth in the table, with some distance between them and ninth. They score an early goal on a counter down the left, where Kyle Walker gets caught too far up the pitch. Emmanuel Adebayor scores twice in the second half in a comeback win.

Manchester City defeat Arsenal at the Emirates. Our title race is basically over. So is Arsenal's race for fourth. They are seven points behind Chelsea.

April 9: Two days after that Sunderland game and five days ahead of an FA Cup derby, Harry finally does some squad rotation. The title is out of reach and third place is secure. Our second team plays like garbage and is defeated by Norwich, 1-0.

April 14: The pitch at Wembley was somehow, inexplicably, not completely repaired after the rugby union match between Saracens and Harlequins. The abysmal, torn-up, bumpy, inexcusable disgrace of a pitch suits Tottenham Hotspur well. Arsenal fail to adapt to their surroundings and attempt to play their normal game, poorly. Tottenham surprisingly play a 4-4-2 against Arsenal with Adebayor and Defoe up top. Parker and Modric constantly launch long balls.

Eventually, in the 55th minute, one connects. Adebayor gets his head to a lofted ball by Modric and plays Defoe into space perfectly. He finishes, and then is immediately subbed off for Sandro. On the abysmal pitch, Arsenal can't get through Spurs' packed midfield and they win 1-0 to progress to the FA Cup Final. In the post-match presser, Arsene Wenger says that his team couldn't play their game because of the pitch. While truly great teams should adapt, he isn't wrong. The pitch truly was a disgrace.

Keep an eye out for Part II tomorrow