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The Five Best Bets On The North London Derby As Ranked By The Awesome Scale

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$50 on Disco Benny, please
$50 on Disco Benny, please
Gambling is the best thing invented by the world and Sunday is the North London Derby. Gambling plus awesome rivalry equals the bestest. This is a fact of the world.

With that in mind, let's take a look at the five best bets on the match. Note: By taking this advice, you are agreeing to pay me 60% of all your winnings.
  • 3/2, Benoit Assou-Ekotto plays with an afro- The Tottenham left back has been photographed with an afro all week and he seems to have taken a shine to being "Disco Benny." This is a big match so he may try to class it up and get his hair done on Saturday, but that looks like a longshot right now. He'll have his afro and dancing shoes on.
  • 2/1, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain starts on the bench- There are actually zero good reasons for his not starting, but we're talking about Arsene Wenger and Arsenal here. Ox didn't get the start against Milan, a team that is notoriously narrow and slow. The winger has done something to Wenger's mom and the manager is holding a grudge. The bookies are working under common sense here, but the reality is there is no common sense in this one. He doesn't start.
  • 21/2, Stewards allow Arsenal fans to drink in their seats- You have to think that the stewards have a heart. If they do, they'll give the Gunners a chance to forget the match.
  • 19/1, Arsene Wenger charged with water bottle abuse- This is the biggest gimme of them all. You're telling me that I can turn $100 into $1,900 just from the police doing their jobs? Done.
  • Off the board, Gervinho's hairline is why Twitter was invented- Duh.
All of your bets can be made any place where the person next to you has had more beers than you have. Remember, gamble semi-responsibly.