Gareth Bale to Headline 2013 Tottenham Fan Calendar

In a not so surprising announcement from the club today, it was announced that Tottenham winger Gareth Bale would headline the 2013 Tottenham Hotspur fan calendar. Truly the most significant accomplishment in the young player's career to date, it is a monumental occasion for the Welsh player. No Welsh player has headlined a teams calendar since Ryan Giggs headlined the Manchester United 2002 calendar with Paul Scholes, that calendar of course being famous for its buddy cop duo motif. There is no word yet on what kind of theme Bale will have for his shoot, though strong indications are that the Welsh Jesus moniker coupled with the fact that he has Jesus's abs will lead to a photo shoot of him turning crosses into goals, shirtless.

However, not everyone is happy for the Welsh winger. For one, Scott Parker felt very snubbed by the selection, and lashed out at Bale. "I just don't see how Bale gets chosen to headline the calendar this year, not with his play and his hair." The England captain went even further than that. "I mean, all you have to do is show your abs off and play listlessly and without purpose in the middle and you get the cover of the calendar? That doesn't sit well with me. I know for a fact that having me as the headline would see more calendars. I test well with women 34-45, who call me a 'young Colin Firth' and 80-96, who remind me of their RAF pilot husbands."

Fret not though Tottenham fans, as Gareth Bale shirtless is not the only thing you have to look forward to in the 2013 calendar! Making their debuts for the 2013 calendar will be Kyle Walker, who said he plans to do a weightlifting photo shoot that will properly reflect him. When asked why he didn't schedule a photoshoot of him manhandling an attacker outside the box he stated that he did not know what that meant or how that worked. Other features to note will be Benoit Assou-Ekotto's "hots for the homeless" photoshoot, Sandro's Carnival themed spread, and of course the return of the ever popular joint photoshoot of Luka Modric wrestling wolves shirtless in the Croatian backcountry while Niko Kranjcar watches while smoking a cigarette.

Tottenham Hotspur 2013 Fan Calendar goes on sale at all retail outlets starting in November 2012. Product may or may not be a horribly conceived and completely made up comedic idea. Refunds are non-negotiable, we accept travelers checks only.

Editor's note: Emphasis above is mine, not the writer's. Added due to influx of stupid people who have read the site in the last few months.