Harry Redknapp: A Coaching History

Some of you may not realize it, but Harry Redknapp actually has an extensive coaching history across the course of sports history, and has had an illustrious history managing teams to great success. A sample of his accomplishments follow:

[It's the top of the ninth in a one game playoff between the New York Yankees and the Cleveland Indians. The winner of the game will go on to play in the ALCS against the Chicago White Sox. Starting pitcher and top, top lad Eddie Harris has pitched 8 and 2/3 innings, but now finds himself with the bases loaded as the American League Triple Crown winner Clue Heywood comes to the plate. He is visibly gassed and just walked the previous batter. Redknapp makes his way out to the mound. The game is tied 2-2.]

Redknapp: You pitched a hell of a game Eddie. I'm gonna let you go ahead and go the distance here, you earned it.

Jake Taylor: Skip, are you sure about this? Vaughn is completely warmed up in the pen and has a 100 MPH fastball, we can't let the ball get in play.

Eddie Harris: I don't know 'Arry, I don't have much left on my pitches.

Redknapp: Nonsense, you're a veteran, crafty, and American. Besides, Vaughn showed up for spring training a day late three years ago and can't be trusted.

[Harry motions to the bullpen, telling them to sit Vaughn down as he returns to the dugout. Harris' next pitch is blasted for a Grand Slam, and the Indians lose the game 6-2. Cleveland loses all hope as a city and burns itself to the ground in an act of seppuku, and Redknapp is kept on for another year because who expected a team who hasn't competed for a title in 50 years to get to this level of play?]

[It's the High School State Basketball Final in Indiana. Tiny school Hickory High have made it to the final overcoming incredible odds to face South Bend Catholic. The game is tied 40-40 with ten seconds left. Head Coach Harry Redknapp calls timeout to set up a play for the final shot.]

Redknapp: Alright, listen up, here's what we're going to do. Jimmy, they're going to expect you to take the last shot. We're going to use you as a decoy. Buddy, you're going to take the last shot.

Jimmy Chitwood: I'll make it.

Redknapp: Nonsense, nonsense dear boy. Sure, you're our leading scorer and best player by a wide margin, but you're of more value to the team as a decoy rather than using your god given and excellent talents as a basketball player. Buddy takes the last shot, no questions.

Jimmy Chitwood: But Buddy can't even hit a free throw and is 5'7"!

Redknapp: That's it, I'm benching you in favor of Merle.

Jimmy Chitwood: But I play small forward, Merle is way too short!

Redknapp: That's it, get out of the gym. [Redknapp has security take Chitwood out of the gym].

Buddy: So what play should we run to set me up to shoot?

Redknapp: Play? Nonsense, running a set play is a worthless exercise. Just fuckin' run around a bit. Take the first shot you can.

Buddy: But coach-

Redknapp: RUN AROUND A BIT!

[Hickory comes back from the timeout with Buddy at PG and the 5'9" Merle at small forward opposite a player who is TOTALLY BUT NOT REALLY Oscar Robertson. Buddy inbounds the ball to Merle, who passes back to Buddy. Panicking, and with no play to run, Buddy heaves up a shot with 7 seconds still on the clock. Matched up with the 6'7" Faux Robertson, Merle is boxed out. Robertson runs the length of the court and wins the game with a slam dunk as time expires. Redknapp remains as coach at Hickory because simply making the State Final with a school that only has 79 students is a t'riffic accomplishment. Jimmy Chitwood turns to a life of drugs and gets really into the 60's. Buddy received death threats for blowing the game and committed suicide 3 years later. Under Redknapp Hickory doesn't make the State Regional for another 10 years.]

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF HARRY REDKNAPP: A COACHING HISTORY!