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Manchester United vs. Tottenham Hotspur: Final score 2-3, Spurs hold on to miracle win

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Tottenham Hotspur held onto victory at Old Trafford in a wild match, beating Manchester United away in the league for the first time in over 20 years.

Mike Hewitt - Getty Images

No, I do not have the energy or the clarity of thought for a legitimate match report right now. I hope you forgive me. If you do not know, Tottenham Hotspur defeated Manchester United 3-2 at Old Trafford on Saturday, winning away to United in the league for the first time since 1989.

Spurs got off to a brilliant start with a shocking early goal from Jan Vertonghen. United had most of the ball, but their midfield fell apart in the 31st minute when Gareth Bale went on a brilliant long run through the center. Rio Ferdinand dared him to shoot on his right and he did, perfectly placing a shot past Anders Lindegaard.

Tottenham started the second half sitting back, and they were made to pay for it. In the 51st minute, Robin van Persie spread a ball wide for substitute Wayne Rooney, who found Nani for a goal at the back post. It looked like the comeback was on, but incredibly, Spurs caught United celebrating. Defoe set up Bale less than a minute later, and he had a shot saved by Lindegaard. Dempsey was there to clean up the garbage and repair Spurs' two-goal lead.

Somehow, things got even crazier. Shinji Kagawa scored the game's third goal in three minutes not long after to cut the lead back to one. For the next 37 minutes, plus four-and-a-half minutes of stoppage time, Tottenham would only get out of their own half a half-dozen times and wouldn't string more than three passes together.

Through multiple shots on target, post hits and penalty shouts, Tottenham found a way to hold onto their lead. I don't know how they did it, but they did it, and it was amazing.

Some notes.

- William Gallas was the clear man of the match. Vertonghen was fantastic, but Gallas played that game like he knew it was his last.

- Shinji Kagawa is much more of a diving tool than I thought he was.

- Nani is exactly the diving tool I thought he was

- Moussa Dembele's defensive positioning in this game was 10x better than his game against United for Fulham.

- Michael Carrick and Paul Scholes are slow.

- It is not Paul Scholes' fault he is slow. He was still absolutely brilliant, United's best player in the second half by a mile.

- Kyle Walker was downright bad and Brad Friedel was not great, but for the next week, I do not care one bit because holy crap we beat United at Old Trafford.

- Football is awesome.

- I am calling a cardiologist right now.