Tuesday morning Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur news and links for October 1, 2013

Happy Goverment Shutdown Day, Spursland! Go ahead and make fun of us, non-American contingent. You can't make us feel more stupid about this than we already do so have a laugh on us. And to the several DC based people on here who I know are not getting paid until who the hell knows, we are here for you. I mean, we are here just as much for the rest of you, but ...shut up YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

In less political news, yesterday our own Uncle Menno did a player ratings piece to the tune of Top Chef contestants and I had a bone or 6 to pick with him about it. So in that spirit, in present your Top Chef themed Hoddle Of Coffee.

And now the "news"

Townsend Makes Diving Vow- Sky Sports

There is something unlikable about people who dive jumping up and saying "I'll never do that again." I know a lot of people like it when players make these pledges, but I hate it. Much like how EVERYONE loves Carla, and she might be the person I hate most on this Earth.

Tell us Carla what did you put in this dish?

"Well I just wanted to put a little bit of love on the plate. I just put soooooooo much love into that sauce".

No you didn't. You put truffles and pink Himalayan sea salt into it. A camera with a guy running digitally recorded the image and I watched it with my eyes. Have fun on your talk show nobody watches. You're such a good chef you didn't open a restaurant, you just squawk about nothing as if your opinion matters. So, Andros, just change the way you play and be quiet about it. If you say this today then go down at the gentlest caress this weekend it will drive us even more crazy.

AVB Might Have To Play Adebayor For Someone To Buy Him In January -Mirror

Isn't any good and has just somehow stuck around for so so long. Well hello, Tiffany, so very horrible to see you again. I wonder what you are going to say in front of judges table? You will probably remind everyone that you are "from Bo-mont Texas" and what a small town it is (even though it's a god damn city) and you are just a small town girl following her dreams in the big bad city, you stupid dolt. That tall skinny guy with the talent dragged you through that season on his back. ON HIS BACK, TIFFANY! Remember when he was talking about making a ramen dish for Asian challenge and you knucklededly asked what flavor of ramen, and he looked into your soul and saw nothing was there and said "Japanese ramen"? Because you didn't know that ramen is more than just oodles of noodles.

Liverpool's Top January Transfer Target Is A Certain Icelandic Gentleman- Caught Offside

You can't have him. Even if he isn't good enough to be a permanent starter in the long-term on a team of this quality, you can't have him. He is our Fabio. Is he ever going to win a season? No, but he is just too damn good for anyone we are competing against to have on their side and he is the definition of devilishly charming.

Lukaku Is Really Really Good- Royal Blue Meresy

Oh, Lukaku. I want you to be with me you are so good, but the one you are with now just doesn't appreciate you, much like Antonia's baby daddy. That guy clearly didn't know how good he had it. Talented cook, great mother and look at that smile. Total package.

All The URL's Changed- SB Nation

Nobody cares about this. It changes nothing, much like that guy from the south who got kicked off the first challenge because he didn't know what an amuse bouche was. What an uncultured dolt.

Moyes Says Untied Squad Not Good Enough...To Win The Champions League- The Busby Babe

Not good enough to win the big one, but still very talented and you don't like them one bit. What's up, Stefan? Sure, you show flashes that let us know how bad-ass you could be, but in the end you will do something incredibly stupid, like make two kinds of spinach (with cream and without) because some people don't like cream in their spinach, then blend the two together.

I get pretty aggressive in this but let me be clear: nobody is worse than Josie.