In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
If you're a Hull City fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.
Your Club Sucks: Founded in a city that was devoted to rugby, Hull City AFC, somehow managed to find a way to not only survive, but continue to exist. They then went on to a have a century of proud existence. At no time did they stop to exist. Quite the achievement.
Their most recent stay in the Premier League was 2008. Remember the heady days of 2008? Hull City was promoted to the top flight with big hopes. Dreams of trips to Old Trafford and Stamford Bridge danced about the heads of their fans like sugar plum fairies. They fought against the big boys all season, going into the final game of the year against Manchester United with a chance to control their own destiny. Then they lost. But Newcastle and Boro lost too, so they stayed up. I know that I'll be picking up the DVD.
A team with over a century worth of tradition, Hull City Association Football Club, I'm sorry, Hull City Tigers, Ltd., have returned to the Premier League, ready to make some noise and take some dead weight off of Tottenham's books. I'm sure they've really enjoyed rubbing their top flight status in the face of their rivals over at Leeds United. And I'm also sure that Leeds fans are really bothered by that when someone reminds them that Hull considers themselves their rivals.
Your Owner Sucks: Egyptian born and Yorskhire based businessman Assem Allam saved the club from financial ruin on three years ago. Then he decided to change the 109 year old name of the team. Now the name that everyone called them anyway is on their letterhead, all in an attempt to appeal to overseas fans. As if anyone from three feet outside the city of Hull would decide to root for this team. Let alone visit. "Hull, it's not Leeds!"
Your Last Season Sucked: Congratulations on earning automatic promotion from the Championship. I'm certain Arsenal would kill for that chance, because it would closer than they've been to getting a trophy in about a decade. Still, you got promoted with Steve Bruce. Which is like being in love with a cheerleader in high school, but instead of dating her you join the cheerleading squad yourself just to hang out with her and listen to her problems. It's fine, you guess, but at the end of the day you just get to touch her ankles.
Your Coach Sucks: Steve Bruce brought Birmingham to the Premier League twice. He coached Sunderland for three years. Men have been killed for less. Also he looks like someone hit him in the face with a giant fish as hard as they could.
Your Players Suck: Your player of the year last year was Ahmed Elmohamady. He was on loan from Sunderland and signed a three year contract with Hull City this year. Your player of the year was someone that Sunderland didn't want. Think about how bad Sunderland is. Now think about how bad a player they didn't want must be.
Your New Signings Suck: Our very own Tom Huddlestone has joined Hull City this year. I have nothing bad to say about Tom. He's an excellent midfielder whose passing game makes Hull much better than they deserve to be. If Hull have enough hair bands and a decent chip shop, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Hull City also have Tottenham loanee and illegitimate son and/or clone of Chris Hughton, Jake Livermore, or as we know him around these parts, the Enfield Modric. He would probably stay there if they stay up, which they won't, so thanks for nothing.
Why you might escape the drop: Steve Bruce uses his lilting voice to lull teams into a false sense of security. Then they release actual tigers into the center circle who devour the other team.