clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Tottenham Hotspur doomed against Hull City, according to internet

Hello darkness my old follower on twitter.

Eye Tee Kay
Eye Tee Kay
Richard Heathcote

Tottenham Hotspur play Hull City AFC this weekend and we are completely screwed. Oh, we're a better team than Hull, you say. Well, don't look at the line ups, the records, or the standings. We are completely and utterly doomed beyond a shadow of a doubt and it is obvious to me. Because I read the internet. And here's what it tells me.

Ages ago, Tom Huddlestone said he wouldn't cut his hair until he scored. He STILL hasn't scored, so he is obviously going to score against us. I don't care if he hasn't scored in like 20 years, it's obvious he'll score against us. It is so obvious.

Last time we won 2-0 in Europe? Against Anzi. What happened after that? We lost 3-0 to West Ham at home. Our loss this weekend is so obvious.

We only beat a team in Moldova by 2 on Thursday night and AND Jermaine Defoe didn't set the team's European scoring record like he obviously should have. Because it was a team from Moldova every player should have set the European scoring record that night. None of them did. They're all a disgrace and they're obviously not fit to wear the shirt.

Also, we rely on big money players like Paulinho and Lamela and Soldado and don't have a real team chemistry. I can't believe Levy and AVB overlooked this obvious flaw.

We don't have any star players, thus our team doesn't have what it needs to break down highly defensive Steve Bruce teams. I can't believe Levy and AVB overlooked this obvious flaw.

We don't know how to beat a bunkered down team with our boring style of play because we haven't beat anyone by 4 goals yet this year. It increasingly clear how shit and useless our entire midfield is. Honestly we should tie all our midfielders up in the center circle, kill them, and resurrect them as zombies. Maybe they'll be fast zombies like in 28 Days Later and we could finally run past defenses. But they'd probably just be super slow zombies because we Spurs everything up. Ugh.

Even if we could win, we don't deserve to, because we loaned out Tom Carroll to the .... Ugh .... Championship. This insult to football, this insult to our blond haired, slightly framed, dreamy eyed golden midfield God is too much to let go. I'm honestly surprised that Tom Carroll hasn't beaten Daniel Levy to death over this. I am also disappointed that a video of that beating hasn't been put on Youtube and set to the worst piece of European Techno Trash available.

There used to be a football club here, but now there's just a hollowed out husk, rotting from the inside, and wallowing in the New Zealand Second Division. Which is where we'll be after we lose on Sunday. It's obvious. I read it on the internet.


Not a member? Join Cartilage Free Captain and start commenting | Follow @CartilageFree on Twitter | Like Cartilage Free Captain on Facebook | Subscribe to our RSS feed