Wednesday Morning Hoddle Of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur News And Links For Wednesday October 30, 2013

Happy Mischief Night, Spursland! Erik Lamela is not good right now, and that is not okay. Not for any plausible reasons I can think of. I just want him to be good and I am also a contrarian asshole so take that, Lennon's Eyebrow.

P.S. if your kid tells you he is "going over to a friends house tonight" or really gives you any excuse to leave the house with a backpack and you let them go, you are an idiot. Take it from me. My mom was an idiot.

And now the "news"

Dembele Bemoans The Pitch Size At White Hart Lane- Sky Sports

Wait, what? Pitch size isn't standardized? And we have the fourth smallest pitch in the league? Okay, give me a minute to process this.

First, of course we can't do anything at home. All our high priced attacking talent kind of needs space to do their thang. And secondly WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK! This ain't baseball, man, where fields are not all the same size and theoretically go on into infinity! I assumed this not standardized pitch thing was only in America where soccer gets just shit on in terms of importance by American football so sometimes teams are forced to play in weird baseball stadiums and the field size is off. But this is arguably the biggest league in the world and they can't just all say, "okay gents, it's this many feet wide, and this many feet long"? Maybe we can use this to our advantage, though, if the FA is this freaking stupid. We can make whichever goal we are defending the size of a bread box and the goal we are attacking as wide as Kim Kardashian's legs whenever someone who can help her career is around, and scoring problem solved.

Roma Ultras Sent To Prison For Attacks On Spurs Supporters- Telegraph

Nice to see those two idiots get their due but, doesn't seem like long enough for me. Then again I come from a country that will execute minors for capital crimes and will send a guy to jail for life for stealing a Snickers bar as long as it was his third offense (that is a real thing that happened, the prosecutor argued that this wasn't overkill because it was a king size Snickers). So maybe I am just not used to your gentile European ways, but this just doesn't seem long enough.

The Beast Doesn't Not Cry- Spurs Official

Holy lord, Sandro is a killer. Like I think he might be a real life Dexter and he has body parts in his freezer and is just putting up a front so we, the normal people of Earth, don't go, "oh look, a serial killer". You can see the deadness in his eyes as he spouts out the platitudes and then the cold comes down like the god damn white walkers as he says "the beast does not cry." I am certain that if you sprayed luminal on Sandro's hands the color patter would be similar to a butcher's.

The 49ers Are Awful- Spurs Official

I am so sad for America.

Alex Morgan And Sydney Leroux Make Miley Cyrus Look Pretty Damn Good Instead Of Like Keith Richards On A Heroin Binge- SB Nation Soccer

Is it just me or is it a bit sexist in here today?