In a series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.
If you're an Everton fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.
Your Club Sucks: Everton Football Club were founded in 1878. In 1892 part of their board split off and formed Liverpool Football Club. They have since spent the rest of their existence talking about how they don't get relegated and try to convince people everywhere that they're a club in Liverpool too!
While they might not have the illustrious history of their Merseyside counterparts, they at least have a name that strikes fears in the hearts of their opponents: the Toffees. Opponents from across England and occasionally Europ--ahahahaha. I can't. Opponents from across England travel to Everton in fear of getting sticky candy stuck in their back teeth. Then you try to pick it out with your finger, but realize you're in front of other people and that's rude. But your fingers already in your mouth so you might as well go for it, but its really stuck so its taking forever and now you're really self conscious about it. God that's so annoying.
Anyway, Everton fans like to remind you that they haven't been relegated since 1931. Which is impressive. Coincidentally, that is also the number of pounds they have in their bank account.
At least today they have a secure future as Manchester United's feeder club. Better selling to reds than being red I guess.
Your Owner Sucks: Bill Kenwright was a scrappy little orphan growing up in the slums of merry ol' Liverpool. Doomed to a life of destitution, he was fortunate enough to meet a sympathetic beadle who let him out of the orphanage past curfew. It was then that he met the Governess Lady Pomperdomadore. Before long, getting by on his wits and his charm, Billy worked his way into the upper crust of English society. Eventually, he even worked himself into the service of Downton Abbey! One day, through hard work and a stiff upper lip, he managed to buy himself Everton Football Club. Why, it was only one of the most prestigious football clubs in the land! Unfortunately he was still broke as hell and had no money left to pay anybody. The end.
Your Last Season Sucked: Everton did what Everton usually does. Guided by David Moyes, who is secretly a time traveling Mesut Ozil, Everton turded their way to a comfortable sixth place finish, way off Champions League but not close to relegation. None of this is important because last season the club decided to change the badge. Truly a crime endemic of modern football. It no longer included Everton's latin slogan, its 2 horseshoes, an autographed picture of Dixie Dean, and Andy Gray's preferred cup size. Worst of all, it really underplayed the majesty of the dwarf wizard's castle that is at the center of their badge. #Againstmodernbadgedesign
Your Coach Sucks: Roberto Martinez is one of the great stories of English football, somehow keeping Wigan in the Premier League for years with a no money while living in a red club's shadow. And he did it all playing an "attractive" (see: suicidal) style of football. He even won them an FA Cup, a genuinely impressive achievement. On the back of such an accomplishment, he hoped to parlay that into his chance at the big time. Instead, he's managing a team on a shoestring budget that lives in the shadow of a club wearing red. Congratulations Everton, you're the sequel in the horror movie that is Martinez's career.
Your Players Suck: Pretty sure I would get kicked off the site by Kevin if I didn't make fun of Tim Howard here. Tim is bad at football. What a dumpster fire. SMH. He's not Jake Livermore.
Also you've got Gareth Barry, Gazza Bazza. Gaz Baz. When you wonder why Uncle Woy plays him for England, now you know.
Your New Signings Suck: Excited by Arouna Kone, evertonians? I hope so, because he is the first in a steady stream of Wigatonians that will be arriving at your door that desperately needs new hinges. I hope you enjoyed Wigan's relegation campaign last year cause you're gonna be seeing a lot of those dudes.
Why you might escape the drop: Take a look at their badge. They've got dwarf wizards on their side. Anything's possible with magic.